


everything I ever wanted & more

by lefargen



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Drinking, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 10:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23850040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lefargen/pseuds/lefargen
Summary: Jeno and Donghyuck have always been best friends, but recently started sleeping together. Jeno and Donghyuck have always had an easy relationship, but recently feelings are making things complicated. When everything comes to a head, they have to make a decision, will they sink or will they swim?or: nohyuck fwb au
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 132





	everything I ever wanted & more

**Author's Note:**

> started making it, had a breakdown, bon appetite!

“Oof!” Donghyuck gasps as he is awoken by the feeling of a body jumping on top of him. His eyes flutter open and immediately lock with his unconventional wake-up call. 

“Time to get up,” Jeno sing-songs from his place on top of his best friend, eyes turning into crescents as he laughs in glee at his best friend’s obvious annoyance. Donghyuck has never been a morning person, which is why Jeno has decided that it is best for him to help the boy get his day started. 

Donghyuck and Jeno have been friends for 10 years and roommates for a year and a half, so it’s safe to say that the two of them are very familiar with each other. They move seamlessly through their apartment, getting ready together in tandem. 

Jeno gets up first, an hour before Donghyuck, and does a quick at home workout to wake him up and kick start his day. He then showers before going to wake up Donghyuck. While Donghyuck showers and gets ready Jeno makes them both breakfast. (They have a deal that Jeno will make them breakfast and Donghyuck will make them dinner. More often than not, they will meet up during the day so they can have lunch together as well.)

By the time Donghyuck is done sliding into the clothes that Jeno laid out for him the night before, Jeno is placing two bowls of warm, gooey oatmeal on their cramped dining room table. 

“Oooo did you put peanut butter in mine this time?” Donghyuck asks as he sits down next to Jeno, digging into his food immediately. Jeno hums in response, “Sorry, we were out of honey. I’ll put it on the grocery list and we’ll pick some up when we go to the store this week.”

“We also need dish soap. And something to bring to wine night with the boys,” Donghyuck reminds him, before turning his attention back to his bowl. They continue to eat in comfortable silence, enjoying the peaceful tranquility of their morning together. 

“Do you feel ready for your trigonometry exam today,” Donghyuck questions, breaking the silence. It was easy to see how much stress Jeno had been under studying during the weekend. He even canceled movie plans with Jaemin so that he could cram alone in his room. Donghyuck doesn’t like watching Jeno overwork himself over his classes, especially when he is so naturally smart that he doesn’t need to try too hard. 

Jeno sighs deeply, taking another harsh bite of his oatmeal. “Remind me again why I decided to be an architecture major of all things. Why couldn’t you have steered me away from something so math heavy,” he whines childishly. 

“I did it for purely selfish reasons. When we graduate and move out of shitty student housing you can build us a beautiful house to live in instead,” Donghyuck suggests, as if it is the easiest explanation of all. 

“No one is getting a house if I can’t even pass a simple trig exam, Donghyuck,” Jeno retorts, seemingly unconfident in his abilities. Donghyuck knows exactly how to give him the encouragement he needs. 

“If the exam goes well, I’ll give you a special treat,” Donghyuck winks, looking at Jeno suggestively in a way that is somehow both sexy and hilarious. It’s an accurate description of how Jeno finds him in general; funny in a way that has his stomach in knots while simultaneously being so hot that Jeno’s stomach twists for entirely different reasons. 

Jeno smirks at Donghyuck’s obvious preposition, “Well then I have to get an A now, don’t I?” he grins easily. The two turn back to their breakfast and finish their meal with pink cheeks and warm hearts. 

After breakfast, Donghyuck and Jeno head into their shared bathroom together. It’s horribly domestic, the way they brush their teeth side by side, making faces at each other in the mirror. Even the little things are more enjoyable when they get to do them together. 

(Sometimes Jeno complains because Donghyuck accidentally grabs and uses Jeno’s toothbrush instead of his own. Donghyuck defends himself by admitting that he is too tired to pay close enough attention, and that the two of them make out regularly enough that it really doesn’t matter anyway.)

It’s usually at this point in the day when they have to start rushing, their tranquille morning together coming to an end as the responsibilities of life break them away from their domestic little bubble. 

They do last minute chores before leaving, Jeno making his bed and Donghyuck doing the dishes, before they absolutely cannot put off leaving any longer or they will be late. It’s a game they like to play, how much can they procrastinate going to classes that they hate without actually being late for said class.

Jeno and Donghyuck are awfully busy today, each having their own classes to worry about as well as a lunch meeting with their friends. After school, Donghyuck goes to his part time job at a coffee shop for a couple of hours while Jeno runs off to meet with group mates for an upcoming project. It’s going to be a hectic day for both of them no doubt, but they are ready after having a peaceful morning together to prepare. 

When it’s finally time to head out the door, the two meet in the entryway, putting on their shoes and jackets. Jeno nags Donghyuck to put on a warmer jacket (“It’s still quite chilly in the mornings and evenings this time of year and I don’t want you catching a cold”) and Donghyuck reminds Jeno not to forget his calculator for his exam later. 

They are just about to leave when Donghyuck grabs onto Jeno, pressing a faint kiss to his lips. The moment is tender and short, and Jeno has half a mind to move back in for another despite knowing it would make him late for class. 

Donghyuck just giggles at him softly, “For good luck,” he explains himself, and slips out the door, leaving a dazed Jeno behind, a small smile overtaking his face. 

☽

Jeno and Donghyuck started _this thing_ between them a month after they moved in together. If anything, it was Renjun’s fault. The oldest boy announced that he wanted to let out some steam, and decided that the only reasonable way to do that was to go to a frat party. He ended up dragging their entire friend group along, because misery loves company. (Despite being the most rational of them all, Renjun is also the biggest party animal.)

Jeno and Donghyuck tentatively agreed, though they were both skeptical of the idea. Jeno could be quite the homebody, and wasn’t sure if he was quite ready to have a trashy college night out so soon. Donghyuck on the other hand, was much more wary of the greasy frat boys that might try to prey on them. Renjun assured them that he knew one of the members (a tall bloke named Yukhei) and that they would be fine. 

Once Renjun was able to convince Donghyuck, Donghyuck was able to convince Jeno, and soon their entire group of friends agreed on going. The night started mild enough, their friend group meeting in Jeno and Donghyuck’s cramped dorm room to pregame. 

Renjun and Chenle were matching each other shot for shot, and the rest of them had to down their drinks in order to find the two Chinese boys tolerable in their loud, drunken state. However, by the time they got to the party, Donghyuck’s buzz had simmered down significantly, to the point where he barely felt drunk at all. 

Frat parties, it turned out, are just as grimy as Donghyuck had thought they would be. He knew as soon as he walked in that there was no way he could handle staying there for a couple of hours sober. So, being the problem-solver than Donghyuck is, he drags Jaemin and Jeno directly into the kitchen of the frat and right towards a beautiful stockpile of alcohol. 

All it takes is a couple minutes of Jaemin flirting with one of the fraternity members for the three of them to be given a bottle all to themselves. Donghyuck chugs directly from the bottle, ignoring the burning sensation as the alcohol slides down his throat. He’s going to have to get used to the taste if he wants even a chance at enjoying himself tonight. 

It isn’t long before Donghyuck is properly drunk again, attaching himself to Renjun, who he finds on the dance floor. He stays there for most of the night, only leaving periodically to refill the red solo cup he hasn’t let leave his hand all night. 

It isn’t until Jeno approaches him, looking very drunk and very sleepy, begging Donghyuck to take him home (he forgot his key and couldn’t make it back without his roommate), that Donghyuck finally takes a break from the frantic, uncoordinated movements he has been doing on the dance floor (not quite dancing, but something close.) 

He’s just about to agree, when Donghyuck’s favorite trashy dance beat comes on (it’s a Ke$ha song, Donghyuck’s guilty pleasure) and he pulls Jeno close until the boy is right against him. 

“One more song,” Donghyuck reasons, before losing himself to the rhythm of the music, hips swaying against Jeno’s without a second thought. Jeno stays still, standing against Donghyuck before relenting, hoping that by giving in, Donghyuck will compromise and take them home soon. 

True to his word, Donghyuck agrees to leave as soon as the song ends, entangling his fingers with Jeno and heading towards the door. They run into Renjun and Jaemin on the way out, and the other two promise to round the others up soon and bring them home. With the reassurance that their friends will get home safely, they depart for their tiny little dorm room. 

The party was fun, but both of them are absolutely wrecked, and nothing seems better than the thought of melting into bed as soon as they get home. However, when they get back, they encounter a problem. As it turns out, someone must’ve accidentally spilt a bottle of alcohol on Jeno’s bed leaving it accidentally soaked. 

It’s not a big deal, surely something Jeno can clean up and deal with in the morning. The only problem is, Jeno is currently _really tired_ , and wants nothing more than to drop into a comfy bed. Luckily for him, his best friend is more than willing to accommodate. 

Donghyuck takes one look at the mess that is Jeno’s bed, and promptly pulls him to his own bed. The two of them had shared beds dozens of times prior to this, so it shouldn’t feel weird. But for some reason, this time is different. Jeno can’t help but inch his face closer and closer to Donghyuck while the other stares temptatiously at his lips. 

Before either of them can process what is happening, they are kissing. It’s not a rough kiss, both of them much too drunk for something too scandalous, but it is deep and so so slow. 

Their impromptu makeout session doesn’t last long, the two of them way too tired from a night of partying to continue. They fall asleep pressed right up together, and find themselves wrapped so tightly around each other when they wake up that they don’t know where one ends and the other begins. 

It’s a little awkward at first, but it quickly fades within minutes of waking up. Donghyuck and Jeno are much too comfortable around each other to feel too wound up over a little kiss. The two agree that it was just an innocent little kiss and they don’t have to worry about it. A one time thing they will look back on and laugh at. 

Except it isn’t a one time thing. The two start hooking up the next time they go out together, and once more the time after that. It isn’t until the two almost have sex while drunk that they finally sit down and talk about it. 

It feels like the easiest thing to agree to, because everything has always been so simple between the two of them. They agree to keep hooking up (whenever this time, not just when drunk) and other than that nothing else changes. There is an unspoken agreement to not catch feelings, and both of them intend to keep up their end of the bargain. 

☽

That lasted all of ten days before Donghyuck realized that he was in love with his best friend. It wasn’t an earth-shattering surprise that shook through Donghyuck like an earthquake. If anything, it felt inevitable. Like a thought that had always been in the back of Donghyuck’s mind, but that he never had the courage to let it fester. Until now, where the longing and the ache burned so brightly in Donghyuck’s heart that it became impossible to ignore for even a second longer. 

Almost a year and a half has passed since the two of them began hooking up, and Donghyick’s feelings have yet to change. If anything they have only gotten stronger the closer the two have gotten.

Sometimes, Donghyuck dreams of confessing, of finally telling Jeno the thoughts that occupy his mind from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. But he doesn’t want to get his hopes up, not until he is absolutely sure that Jeno feels the same way. 

It’s hard to tell when Jeno takes care of him so well, and is always checking up on him. The two are incredibly close, much more than any other pair of best friends, but that is to be expected when they’ve known each other since they were children. It’s hard to differentiate what is romantic and what is platonic between the two of them (it’s even more difficult now that Donghyuck has to wonder which actions are purely sexual.)

The fact of the matter is, Jeno is so kind, as exhibited by the texts he sends Donghyuck all of the time. 

**jen <3 :**  
**I might be late for lunch with the guys depending on how long my test takes. Can’t wait to see you later!**

Donghyuck’s heart flutters as he reads the last sentence in the message, feeling so in love he is _almost_ ready to risk it all. Almost. 

He responds quickly, wanting to talk to Jeno for a little bit before each of them have to attend their next class. 

**Duckie :) :**  
**Ok!! Good luck on your exam, remember i will give you a reward if you smash it ;)**

The reply comes almost instantaneously. 

**jen <3 :**  
**With an offer like that, this test won’t be the only thing i am smashing today lol**

Donghyuck moves to reply, but is cut off by his Professor announcing that class is starting. His flirty texts to Jeno can wait he supposes, they both have other things to preoccupy their thoughts, like academics. 

Who is Donghyuck kidding? Not even ten minutes into his lecture his mind is already wondering back to Jeno. It feels a little pathetic, the way it’s _always_ Jeno that Donghyuck is thinking about. But Donghyuck can’t help it. There is simply too much material. 

Donghyuck thinks about their past together. How they first met as children and wanted to play superheroes. Both of them wanted to be Spiderman, but Jeno relented quickly, telling a young Donghyuck that he “looked good in red.” (And if Donghyuck still wears red often to this day to try to impress Jeno, that is nobody’s business but his own.)

They have so many memories together, it’s hard to focus on just one of them. Since they met, Jeno has been a part of every major life event that has happened for Donghyuck. Birthdays, learning how to drive, coming out to his friends and family, graduating high school. Jeno has been there every step of the way, and acknowledging their history together makes Donghyuck feel warm and fuzzy inside. 

Donghyuck also thinks about the present. The morning routine that the two of them do together. Their night routine (which more often than not includes a gentle shower together after steamy, intimate moments) puts Donghyuck to bed with a smile on his face every evening. More than anything though, Donghyuck just loves the times they spend together.

When they eat dinner together and talk about their day, or when they cuddle up against each other on their couch watching Tangled. Each moment with Jeno is both an exciting adventure and a relaxing routine dripping with normalcy and domesticity. Donghyuck revels in it. 

But more than anything, Donghyuck thinks of a future together. He dreams of the could-bes and the hope-sos and clings on to, unable to let the thoughts leave his head for too long. It’s possible that the only future together that Jeno and Donghyuck have together is the one that Donghyuck made up in his own head, and if that’s the case, he is going to enjoy it for as long as he can put off facing reality. 

Donghyuck thinks about confessing, finally telling Jeno how he feels. He also imagines Jeno being the one to declare his undying love, making Donghyuck’s heart pound even though the scenario is purely fictional. To Donghyuck the daydreams act as a source of hope. 

The honest truth is, there is a lot of uncertainty in the present, and even more of it in the future. It makes Donghyuck feel uneasy when he thinks about it, which is why he craves closure of some kind eventually. He wants to know where he stands with Jeno, but now is not that time. For now, he is enjoying the parts of Jeno that he is allowed to have and doesn’t ask for more. Maybe in the future, but for now, he sticks to the present. 

☽

Jeno arrives at the diner for lunch fifteen minutes late, and slides into the only open chair on the end next to Jaemin. Their friends make a habit to get lunch together every Monday and Wednesday, and it feels good to catch up again after a few days apart. Jeno feels especially grateful to be sitting next to Jaemin, especially after he cancelled their plans during the weekend to study. He is ready to make up for the Nana time that he had lost out on. 

Jaemin sits in between Renjun and Jeno, while Chenle, Jisung, and Mark sit across from them. Donghyuck is sitting at the head of the table, farthest away from Jeno, yet he still somehow manages to attract his attention every once in a while. (Donghyuck prefers to sit at the head of the table when he can because it makes him feel like a king. The rest of them indulge him in this little fantasy.)

For the most part, Jeno ignores his friends and his food to focus on his conversation with Jaemin. Jaemin, the kind soul that he is, indulges Jeno in his neediest. After the stress of the weekend and his exam, he craves affection from those around him. (Jeno likes to pretend that he isn’t a fan of skinship but all of his friends know that that isn’t the case.)

“Are you tired, Jeno?” Jaemin asks, voice dripping with honey as he acts concerned over his best friend. “You know you need to be taking care of yourself, or I will be very upset with you,” he nags. 

Jeno giggles after seeing how much concern Jaemin has over his well-being. Jaemin is Jeno’s best friend (other than Donghyuck of course, but Donghyuck has always been different), and it warms his heart how much the younger boy seems to care for him.

“I stayed up late last night studying for my trig exam that was this morning,” Jeno explains. “Unfortunately for architect majors, the grind never stops,” he jokes, to which Jaemin offers a pity chuckle at his unsuccessful attempt at humor. Most of their friend group refuses to indulge Jeno in even insincere laughter.

“How did it go?” Jaemin questions, digging deeper. “You definitely seemed to have studied a lot, but I know complex math problems stress you out a little,” he remarks. 

At this point, Jeno is well-aware that the entire table has started listening to their conversation and is anticipating Jeno’s response. Jeno stresses over grades more than any of them, and they are constantly worrying over how anxious he can get over his schoolwork. 

(They have all witnessed him work himself to the bone for academics, cramming for exams to the point where it starts to affect his health. They’ve seen the panic attacks that scare them all, and check-in often to make sure Jeno doesn’t get to that point.)

“I actually think it went pretty well,” Jeno responds quickly. “There was one question that I was kind of unsure of, but otherwise I thought the rest was relatively easy,” he finishes. 

Immediately after he finishes speaking, Jeno makes eye contact with Donghyuck from across the table. The smaller boy offers a sly wink, and Jeno’s cheeks immediately flame, remembering the promise Donghyuck had made earlier. 

Luckily for Jeno, Chenle changes the subject to one of his own exams and attention leaves him immediately. The last thing Jeno wants is to be questioned by friends, or have anyone suspect that something may be going on between him and Donghyuck. Jeno was the one who initially suggested that the two of them keep _whatever is going on with them_ a secret. The more people know, the more likely there is to be misunderstanding about the nature of their relationship. Jeno, who is deeply afraid of confrontation, does not want any drama. 

Jeno loves Donghyuck, the boy being the best friend Jeno could ever ask for. He also loves sleeping with the boy, the two taking the time after months of practice to learn just how to make each other squirm in pleasure. He loves their dynamic so much, and the affection he gets from Donghyuck is enough to keep him satisfied at the moment. He doesn’t need anything more right now, when he is already so content. 

Jaemin, the only one physically close enough to pick up on Jeno’s slight blush, doesn’t notice Donghyuck’s flirty actions. Instead he is too focused on a story that Renjun is telling, staring at the boy intensely. 

They all have a soft spot for Renjun, his small frame invoking an instinct from Jeno that says “Protect, Protect, Protect.” Soon everyone is paying close attention to the Chinese boy, and Jeno can finally let himself relax fully, no worries of judgement or scrutiny. 

Jeno enjoys his meal in relative silence, paying more attention to what Jaemin is saying than anyone else. The two of them have so much in common that it’s natural that they gravitate towards each other in conversations. It isn’t until Jeno is eating dessert that he thinks about Jaemin and the favorite shared hobby they love to do together. 

“Hey Jaemin,” Jeno implores, finally getting a chance to shift the conversation in a way to include himself (and exclude everyone else). “Are you busy on Thursday afternoon? The weather is supposed to be really nice and I thought maybe we could go on a bike ride for old times sake?” he suggests. 

“Jeno, I’d love to! I haven’t been on a bike in so long. I’ll look up some trails around campus and find one that looks good,” Jaemin agrees readily, making Jeno’s heart flutter with excitement. He already can’t wait. 

“Don’t pick one that’s too hard,” Jeno jokes. “It’s been awhile and I think I would die if I tried to attempt too many hills.”

“Don’t worry Jeno,” Jaemin responds warmly, “If you get too tired, I will carry you home.”

Jeno smiles easily at the comment, already counting down the days, hours, minutes, until their little cycling date. He loves being with his friends, but spending one on one time with one of his favorite people in the world is extra special.

☽

Of course, Jeno makes sure to set aside time for his other favorite person in the world, and it ends in him panting into a pillow as he tries to catch his breath. Donghyuck promised to reward Jeno for the hard work on his exam, and reward him he did. 

It takes Jeno a couple of minutes to stop seeing stars and finally catch his breath. Donghyuck lays next to him, also recovering as they stare at the ceiling side by side, neither bothering with conversation.

After another moment or two, Donghyuck moves over and latches onto Jeno, swinging his leg around his hips and his arm around his waist. Donghyuck is clingy and cuddly on a normal day, but this behavior increases tenfold after sex. Jeno doesn’t mind, no matter how much he pretends to. 

In fact, it’s all kind of nice. He can let off some steam and stress, and then immediately relax and let his worries dissipate. It’s also nice that Donghyuck is a fan of pillowtalk, and Jeno is finally given a space where he feels vulnerable enough to share his deepest feelings and most pressing troubles. 

“Thanks for being there this weekend when I was stressing, Duckie,” Jeno says sweetly. “It means a lot knowing that I always have someone on my side looking out for me and taking care of me.”

And Donghyuck had been there for him. Forcing him not to skip meals, to take breaks regularly, to check-in if he was feeling anxious. He even came home early after a night out with Renjun after Jeno sent him a stress-induced panic text. 

Jeno opens up more as they lay snuggled up against each other in bed. About the pressure his parents have put him under since he was a little kid. About his fear of failure. About his imposter’s syndrome. And Donghyuck, to his credit, listens to it all without any judgement.

Unfortunately for Donghyuck, he doesn’t allow himself to be as honest. Because while Donghyuck has his own struggles to deal with, he can’t exactly talk about them with the person who is the root of it all.

It’s not just Jeno’s amazing stamina in bed, or that thing he does with his tongue that drives Donghyuck crazy. It’s the way he smiles with his eyes in a way that makes Donghyuck smile as well. It’s how Jeno always makes an effort to wake him up, knowing Donghyuck might oversleep without the extra push. 

But more than anything, it’s the way that Jeno knows practically everything about him and still loves him anyway. The way he accepts the good, the bad, and the ugly easily, as if he would never want Donghyuck to ever be anyone but himself. It’s amazing, but at the same time, it’s driving him crazy.

Donghyuck may be a masochist for continuing this arrangement with Jeno knowing that it may mean very little to him (especially when it means so much to Donghyuck), but he figures having Jeno in any capacity is worth the inevitable pain that will surely follow. 

Donghyuck, unwilling to dive into the qualms of his confusing love life, snuggles his head into Jeno’s chest, hoping the larger boy can offer him a distraction. Jeno reaches out, combing his fingers through Donghyuck’s hair, humming softly under his breath. 

“That feels so nice,” Donghyuck groans at the gentle touch, “Why does everything feel so much better when you do it? Do you have magic hands or something?” he complains, only half joking. 

“I’m not perfect, I just know you best,” Jeno laughs. “Like I know the best way to wake you up is to jump of top of you, that you like for your head to be pet like a kitten when you’re feeling cuddly, that you like when my tongue-”

“Enough!” Donghyuck whines, cutting Jeno off before he can say something incriminating. Jeno laughs at Donghyuck’s antics, confused as to how shy he gets when talking about sex when they are literally lying beside each other completely naked. 

“I always like things best with you,” Donghyuck admits seriously, honestly. It’s the closest he will ever get to letting himself be truly emotionally vulnerable, giving away a part of himself, but not letting Jeno truly have all of him. It’s how he protects himself. 

“I like being you too, Hyuckie,” Jeno replies sincerely. “You really are my best bro, for real,” he finishes, not noticing the way Donghyuck cringes at his choice of words. 

“I thought Jaemin was your best bro,” Donghyuck replies, careful not to let the bitterness shine in his voice. Jaemin is the only one that Donghyuck ever has to compete for Jeno’s attention with. While the two are close, there is always a competitive edge to Jaemin and Donghyuck’s interactions (It’s completely one-sided on Donghyuck’s part but nobody needs to know that.) 

“You know that’s different,” Jeno laughs. “The way I feel about you is entirely different to the way I feel about Jaemin. You guys serve very different purposes in my life and it’s not even comparable” he explains easily, and Donghyuck doesn’t know if that is a good or bad thing.

It’s kind of sick, the way Donghyuck allows himself to be living in limbo like this, but he doesn’t want to give up what small piece of Jeno he has. So he jokes along with his best friend anyways, ignoring the way it hurts knowing they don’t fully belong to each other. 

“And what role do I supposedly fill in your life? Other than maid, personal chef, and confidant,” Donghyuck jokes. 

Jeno turns and flips Donghyuck until the boy is flat on his back, positioning his own body so that he is hovering on top of him. “I can name one role you play extremely well,” he smirks cockily, taking note of the way Donghyuck completely melts under his touch. 

“What role is that, Mr. Lee,” Donghyuck replies, coy and breathless. 

“Let’s go for round two and I can show you instead of tell you” Jeno says, before leaning down and pressing a hot kiss into his best friend’s mouth. 

It’s not exactly the type of relationship that Donghyuck wants with his best friend, but it’s enough. At least for now. 

☽

The next evening finds the two of them huddled in a corner of the library. Jeno has another test the next day, however this one he is less worried about. It’s for his world history elective, and it's basically all memorization. It’s easy, and with Donghyuck’s presence, Jeno doesn’t feel too stressed out. (Donghyuck stays just in case.)

Donghyuck is much more relaxed about school, not worrying too much about academics. He studies when he needs to (which isn’t often) and gets good grades without much effort. However, he goes to the library often to keep Jeno company. 

Donghyuck started out by getting the required reading for his literature elective done. This semester is the only time Donghyuck has read a book in the last several years, and he needs absolutely zero distractions in order to focus enough to actually read.

However, after an hour and a half of reading, Donghyuck is done with his work and Jeno is still knee deep in history notes. Donghyuck is comfortable sitting in the library playing games on his phone, or scrolling through twitter for hours. He hesitates though, because he doesn’t want Jeno to feel sorry that Donghyuck is staying at the library for him. 

When Jeno is alone, it’s a lot easier for him to get lost in his own thoughts. However, he also stresses out when he feels like his friends are putting their lives aside in order to be there for him. Donghyuck makes sure to offer support, while also showing Jeno that his time isn’t being wasted. 

Donghyuck sits on his computer, pretending to be busy. He has one tab of a research paper open, that he can switch to if needed, but otherwise he spends his time reading Glee fanfiction (his secret guilty pleasure.)

He is so lost in the story that he is reading that he almost doesn’t register Jeno slamming his pen down on the table, cradling his head in his hands as his breathing starts to go ragged. 

“Hey, hey,” Donghyuck springs into action immediately, “What’s wrong?” he questions, as he rushes across the table to sit next to Jeno. 

“There’s just so many dates to memorize,” Jeno answers, voice weak. “I'm mixing them up and I don’t know how I am going to keep them straight tomorrow for my exam.”

Donghyuck looks on in concern, grasping Jeno’s hand firmly. “Hey, just breathe for a second, okay?” he encourages, allowing Jeno to ground himself. 

“You need a break,” Donghyuck continues, causing Jeno to protest immediately. Donghyuck doesn’t let it bother him though, and he continues on, “Go and get us dinner. The food will help you think. While you’re gone, I will try to put together some flashcards that we can run through when you get back, okay?”

“You don’t have to do that-” Jeno begins but Donghyuck waves him off. Jeno wants to argue, but deep down, he knows that it’s useless. Donghyuck is much too stubborn. Jeno sighs deeply, breath still slightly uneven, and gets up to get them food. 

The fresh air does wonders for Jeno’s mental state. Not only that, but Jeno was so focused on studying that he neglected to realize how hungry he had become. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and if it were not from Donghyuck, he probably wouldn’t have thought to have dinner either. 

By the time he gets back to their little studying room, Donghyuck has already completed tons of flashcards, all with events in history and their corresponding date. 

They eat in silence for a while, Jeno feeling slightly embarrassed by his outburst earlier. Donghyuck, knowing better, doesn’t push Jeno to talk about, and instead digs into the Taco Bell that Jeno had brought for them. (Jeno is typically a fairly healthy eater, but Taco Bell is cheap and fast, and at his current mental state, he really doesn’t give a damn.)

“Ready?” Donghyuck asks, pulling the stack of flashcards towards himself. They finished their food quickly, and Jeno feels prepared to get back to studying without another breakdown. 

They go through the cards, and Jeno surprises himself. He knows more than he initially thought he did, though he is still mixing a lot of events up. It isn’t until he is trying to figure out the date to D-Day that he starts to feel discouraged. Donghyuck senses Jeno’s frustration and steps in immediately. 

“D-Day, aka D’s Birthday!,” Donghyuck hints, trying to help. Jeno looks at him with a blank expression as his mind tries to process what Donghyuck is saying. After a couple of seconds, he finally gets it. 

“Wait, June 6th? Your birthday, right?” Jeno questions, and Donghyuck grins widely, nodding in approval. 

“Well, now I will never forget!” Jeno exclaims. “That’s a clever mnemonic device you came up with.” He is smiling for the first time all evening, and Donghyuck takes that as a personal win. 

“There is plenty more where that came from,” Donghyuck promises, and soon he is making up clever little phrases that have Jeno memorizing all of the dates within an hour. 

It’s amazing how Donghyuck is not only willing to calm him down when he is dealing with his issues, but also actively works on solutions to make Jeno’s life easier. There is not one single person who has done more for him than Donghyuck, and he feels that sentiment a little extra after his near breakdown earlier. 

After the dates are memorized, Jeno really only needs another half hour or so before he has all of the things from his study guide memorized. He is no longer concerned about his exam, and is ready to get home early and get a good night’s sleep. 

On the way back to their apartment, Jeno reaches over and grabs Donghyuck’s hand, interlocking their fingers. Donghyuck looks at him in shock, but doesn’t pull his hand away (in fact, he squeezes tighter.) This is the first time they’ve really held hands in public, but it’s late enough that there aren’t many people around. Jeno can’t bring himself to care either way. 

“I was thinking, maybe it would be a good idea if I started seeing a counselor on campus?” Jeno suggests as if it’s a question, voice getting higher the more he speaks. “I know it isn’t normal to have a panic attack over practically every exam I have to take, and I don’t know. I want to get better,” he finishes looking away. 

Donghyuck squeezes his hand until Jeno finally looks up, meeting his eyes and looking so vulnerable that it makes Donghyuck’s heart ache with longing. Longing to take care of him and tell him everything will be alright always. 

“I think that’s an amazing idea, Jeno,” Donghyuck replies sincerely. “I’m proud of you for recognizing that you can’t handle this on your own and are working to get better. I will always be there to support you,” he promises. 

Jeno knows that he is 100% telling the truth. The relationship the two of them have is extremely special, and has only gotten more meaningful in the last couple of years. Even if no one knows. 

☽

“So what’s going on with you and Jeno?” Mark questions, digging into the ramen in front of him, not even sparing his friend a glance. Donghyuck blanks at the question confused as to Mark could have possibly found out, and also slightly worried. He doesn’t know how Jeno feels about people finding out about their relationship (or whatever it is), especially when he has never shown interest in telling their friends. 

“Wh-what are you talking about?” Donghyuck stutters, trying and failing to play it cool and remain unbothered. Mark, having known him since they were both awkward preteens, remains unconvinced. 

“Are you guys sleeping together? Or are you just flirting with him?” Mark asks, putting down his chopsticks to look Donghyuck directly in the eye. That is how he knows it's serious, Mark doesn’t shy away from food unless there is a good reason. 

Donghyuck doesn’t know how to respond to Mark. Sure he could try to lie, but it’s likely that the older boy will be able to see right through it. He feels like he has no choice but to come clean. 

“Uhh… both?” Donghyuck replies as if it’s a question, highlighting how unsure of himself he is within his relationship with Jeno. Their situation is sort of hard to explain, especially when Donghyuck has two realities: what is really happening, and the romanticized version he has conjured up in his own head. 

“When did this whole thing start? Does Jeno know that you’re in love with him?” Mark questions, peering at Donghyuck with concerned eyes. Donghyuck hates the way he frames his questions, in a way that somehow always manages to feel like a personal attack. 

“Freshman year” Donghyuck admits. “We got back to our dorm after a night of drinking and he climbed into my bed with me. One thing led to another, we hooked up a few times, decided to make it a regular thing, and have been friends with benefits ever since. What makes you think I’m in love with him?” 

Mark shakes his head casually turning back to ramen. “It’s not hard to figure out. You trail after Jeno like a lost puppy, always begging for his attention. You get this sad look on your face around him, like a goddamn basset hound. Now what I am concerned about, is why you would do something as dumb as get involved with Jeno without knowing how he feels about you?”

Donghyuck immediately casts his gaze downward in shame. Donghyuck was not planning on telling Mark about his feelings for Jeno, preferring to keep it between himself and Renjun, the only one smart enough to figure out Donghyuck’s feelings before he even did. 

Donghyuck has always seen Mark as an older brother type figure in his life, and he seeks him out when he needs someone to pick his brain. However, the boy can be quite judgemental when he disagrees with Donghyuck’s life choices. 

In this moment, for example, Donghyuck regrets ever opening his mouth and telling his hyung the truth. Mark’s opinion is obviously disapproving and he can’t help but feel bad about himself because of it. 

“It just kind of happened, hyung. And I know that it’s stupid, but part of me hopes that one day something will snap in him and he’ll realize that he is in love with me and confess. Like a rom-com or something,” Donghyuck explains, trying his hardest to defend himself. 

“Life is not a rom-com, Hyuck. You do realize that this is probably going to end with you getting hurt, right? This is not some romanticized version of life you made up in your head, this is the real deal,” Mark explains firmly. He says it without any malice in his voice, but somehow the words still manage to hurt. 

Donghyuck could agree with Mark, but he is feeling particularly combative today. “Why not? Why am I the only one who doesn’t deserve a happy ending? Why am I always the one without a prince charming at the end?” he spits. 

At this point, Donghyuck is annoyed with Mark, and slightly taken aback by how harsh the older boy is being. His words are highlighting one of Donghyuck’s deepest insecurities, that he is not worthy nor deserving of love. 

“You can have a happy ending, but you need to make sure your Prince Charming isn’t interested in other princesses,” Mark explains, voice growing irritated at Donghyuck’s obvious sulking. 

“Why is it any of your business what I am doing and who I am sleeping with?” Donghyuck inquires. “It feels like you’re just looking for excuses to judge me like you always do. Just because we think differently doesn’t mean you’re always right and I’m always wrong like you want me to believe.”

“Oh don’t start with me. We both know it’s my business because the second you get your heart broken you’re going to come running to me and expect me to pick up the pieces for you. I’m just trying to help!” Mark replies exasperated. 

Donghyuck feels like he is going to blow up and burst into tears simultaneously. He knows that Mark and him communicate very differently, and Mark probably doesn’t realize how harsh he is sounding to Donghyuck. It doesn’t mean it hurts any less. 

“Oh so this isn’t even about me, it’s about you? Do you even care about me at all or am I just a burden to you. Sorry for thinking that I could rely on one of my best friends to help me with my struggles,” Donghyuck spits, face turning red from emotion. 

Mark sighs deeply, knowing he failed in the delivery of his warning to Donghyuck. “You know that’s not what I meant, Donghyuck-” he begins trying to explain himself. 

“No I think I know exactly what you meant, hyung” Donghyuck cuts off, standing up from his chair. “I’ll leave so I don’t have to be such an inconvenience to your life,” and with that he storms out of the building. 

Mark may have been trying to help Donghyuck, but all he gained from the conversation is that he is unlovable, and is going to get hurt by involving himself with men who don’t have the capacity to love him. The reason why it makes him so angry is because, deep down, he knows it’s true. 

☽

Donghyuck is sulking on the couch by the time Jeno gets home from his classes. He can’t help but think of the conversation he had with Mark earlier in the day, and how bad about himself it made him feel. However, like most problems in life, they feel less daunting when Jeno is around. 

“Oh no,” Jeno says, taking one look at his best friend looking less than pleased. “Is my Duckie pouting? What are we going to do about that, hm,” he asks, playing the role of doting loved one so well. 

Donghyuck buries his face into a cushion, trying to stop a smile from forming so easily. What fun would it be to let go of his bad mood so easily without getting to see all of the ridiculous things his roommate will do to make him feel better. 

“I don’t like seeing you sad like this. Let’s cheer you up, okay? I will order us takeout tonight so you don’t have to cook. I’ll even let you pick from where, how does that sound,” Jeno remarks, sitting on the arm of their couch and petting his best friend’s hair. 

“Can we order from that Thai place I like?” Donghyuck asks shyly, like he is scared of being rejected despite knowing Jeno would never do such a thing. 

Jeno, to his credit, smiles gently and agrees readily. “Do you have any homework that needs to be done tonight?” he inquires, causing Donghyuck to pause and think. 

By some act of grace from God, Donghyuck does not have any work that needs to be done currently, and can instead focus on sorting out his emotions and feelings of inadequacy. He turns towards Jeno, shaking his head at the question. 

“Great! I don’t have any homework either. Well… any homework that matters I guess. Want to watch Tangled?” Jeno offers, because he knows Donghyuck so fucking well. Nothing can cheer the boy up like Rapunzel, and he can’t help but feel so grateful to have someone in his life who knows how to make everything feel better. 

Jeno orders their food, and they both separate to put on comfy pajamas. While Donghyuck is in his room, he takes time to look in the mirror and analyze his appearance. He can’t help but knit pick every imperfection that he sees until he's back to square one, feeling awful about himself once again. 

He can barely look at himself shirtless, disappointed with his baby stomach that refuses to sculpt itself into lean abs despite how much he wishes it would. He puts on one of Jeno’s sweatshirts that is much too big on his petite frame, and let’s the fabric swallow his body whole. 

He then spends some time analyzing his face. He counts his pimples, his pores, and his whiskers. He notices his dark circles from stress and lack of sleep, and messy hair from running his fingers through it too much. He understands why Mark thinks Jeno could never love him, Donghyuck is finding it very hard to love himself right now. 

He doesn’t realize how long he has spent in front of the mirror picking himself apart until Jeno knocks on the door. “Food’s here, Duckie!” he announces, before retreating again, heading back to their living room, where they are presumably eating dinner together. 

Donghyuck drags himself out of his room, sitting down next to Jeno, eating without bothering to make much conversation. Donghyuck doesn’t let the silence bother him, too invested in his own thoughts at the moment. 

Once they finish dinner, Jeno turns to Donghyuck ready to interrogate. “Penny for your thoughts?” he asks gently, not wanting to push Donghyuck into talking about something that he is uncomfortable sharing. 

Donghyuck hesitates, but he finds it very difficult to keep secrets from Jeno (from anyone really, but especially him.) He is the one person who he knows he can always count on, can always seek comfort from. “Umm… do you think I’m unloveable?” Donghyuck asks softly, unable to meet Jeno’s eyes. 

Jeno’s eyes nearly bulge out of his head at the question. “What are you talking about? Donghyuck, you’re like the most lovable person I have ever met. Where is this coming from?” he questions, trying to understand where his best friend is coming from. 

“It’s just something Mark said…” Donghyuck begins before Jeno cuts him off. 

“Mark called you unlovable???” Jeno asks, voice verging on disbelief and anger. Donghyuck feels a little special that Jeno seems ready to defend his honor at a moment’s notice. 

“No, not exactly. I’m probably just taking what he said the wrong way and letting my insecurities get the best on me,” Donghyuck answers, because as annoyed as he is at Mark right now, he knows he can’t entirely blame the boy for how he is feeling. 

Jeno reaches over and pulls Donghyuck into a hug, kissing his forehead gently. “You have nothing to be insecure about, baby,” Jeno begins, stroking his hair gently. 

“I think you’re amazing. You’re pretty, and funny, and smart, and your legs make my mouth water, and your jokes kill me, and you sing beautifully, and you give great head…” Jeno lists until Donghyuck is giggling, pout disappearing from his face so easily. 

“Okay, I get it. You’re starting to embarass me,” Donghyuck admits, hiding his face into Jeno’s chest. Jeno just smiles down at him lovingly. 

“Forget about your insecurities, they are all unfounded. The only thing I want you focusing on tonight is what a bad bitch Rapunzel is,” Jeno orders, and Donghyuck is all too happy to oblige. 

They turn on the Disney movie, and from the start begin to sing every song. Donghyuck always sing’s Rapunzel’s parts, while Jeno takes Flynn’s parts so that they can duet. It’s fun and lighthearted, but when _I See the Light_ starts, the mood suddenly changes. 

This time Jeno isn’t looking at the screen, he is looking right at Donghyuck, as if he is singing the song right to him. And in the moment, Donghyuck can’t help but wonder if he had been wrong the entire time. Maybe Jeno does like him back, and he wasn’t making things up in his head. 

Jeno is looking at with such an endeared expression, as he is singing honest and heartfelt words, and Donghyuck can’t help but feel loved despite all of the emotional turmoil he has felt this week. 

By the time the song is over, Donghyuck can’t help himself. He reaches across the couch and pulls Jeno in for a deep kiss, movie be damned. 

This time when Jeno presses into him, breath hot on his neck, it feels different. Donghyuck no longer feels like they are having sex, he feels like they are making love. Donghyuck may be romanticizing everything in this moment, but he is too happy to bring himself to care. In this moment, he feels truly loved.

☽

To put it simply, Jeno is in love. He is crazily, head over heels in love with his best friend. It’s not something that came along slowly, no not at all. In fact, it hit him like a freight train when he was seventeen. And since then, he has been struggling to keep it a secret. 

Not a single soul knows about Jeno’s feelings, and that is how he would like it to stay for the foreseeable future. He’s tried before to confess to other friends who he trusts deeply, but his anxiety always gets in the way. Jeno’s mind can become a dark place of worst case scenarios and the fear of failure and rejection is almost too much to bear. So he keeps it to himself. 

But over the years, it has gotten harder and harder. It’s so difficult when the love of his life smiles at him so widely, beaming under the summer sun. It’s impossible when he is so kind to him, and takes care of him in such a way that makes him feel valued and loved. Every thought from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed is consumed with the same name playing over and over again in his head, like a song on repeat. 

_Na Jaemin. Na Jaemin. Na Jaemin._

It started when they were sixteen and would go on bike rides together. Jeno quickly became overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts about how good Jaemin’s ass looked when pressed against a bike seat, and how much Jeno wanted to lick the sweat that was dripping from his forehead.

Jeno loved the way he would make sure Jeno drank enough water when on their bicycles, and how he made sure not to go too fast so Jeno could keep up. Jaemin would always bring meals to him when he was holed up in the library, and would let him vent when his anxiety got to be too much.

Jaemin gives copious amounts of love to everyone he encounters without expecting anything in return. Jeno so desperately wants to be the one who gives him the love he deserves. 

To an outsider, Jeno’s life may seem a little strange. He is in love with his best friend, yet he is sleeping with his other best friend. But to Jeno, it isn’t weird at all. In fact, it feels right. 

Donghyuck and Jeno have been sleeping together for over a year, nothing more and nothing less. It’s exactly how Jeno likes it. 

He figures it could get awkward, being involved with your best friend in such an intimate way, but he and Donghyuck have had no issues. Jeno thinks it's a testament to how strong their friendship is that they can act like nothing has changed. Not even their friends know about their arrangement, a fact that Jeno is extremely grateful for. 

Jeno was the one who decided that they should keep their friends with benefits status a secret. Part of the reason was to make sure that things didn’t get too messy, but realistically, it was to make sure that Jaemin didn’t find out. Jeno wanted to come across as available as possible just in case. 

Luckily Donghyuck doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, he is always willing to do whatever makes Jeno comfortable, and would never think to cross any boundaries. It’s amazing how well they work together, as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. Jeno hopes that if he and Jaemin ever get together, it will be as simple. 

Part of Jeno feels like his time with Donghyuck is excellent practice in terms of sex and affection. Jeno is confident that he knows exactly how to be a supportive partner now, something that was an insecurity of his beforehand. 

Though Jeno knows he still has some personal things to work on, he is ready to commit to a relationship when the time comes. And he hopes it’s sooner rather than later. Which is why he keeps inviting Jaemin on cycling dates. 

It doesn’t sound ideal, a date where both of them are too tired to talk for the majority of the time, but they both love it. It’s a way to push themselves to strive for greatness (Jeno thinks that Jaemin’s presence alone pushes him to be a better version of himself always.)

But most importantly, they always take breaks where they truly talk about the deep, heavy subjects that are plaguing their minds. It’s a chance to be vulnerable with each other, and the special connection is something that is rare to find (Jeno himself only has such a connection with Jaemin and Donghyuck.)

Jeno has been looking forward to his plans with Jaemin since he made them on Monday, and this time he has a good feeling. He feels like he is finally making progress with the boy, and their conversations have gotten more and more relationship oriented. Jeno doesn’t want to jinx himself, but he thinks maybe soon he’ll have a love worth shouting to the world about. 

☽

However, despite Jeno’s obvious excitement, when he wakes up the next morning, he finds himself reluctant to leave Donghyuck’s side. He has been looking forward to his cycling plans with Jaemin all week, but Donghyuck’s bed is so cozy and inviting. Neither of them have class on Thursday’s (well technically Donghyuck has a discussion for his literature class, but more often than not he skips it because attendance doesn’t count towards his final grade) and they usually let themselves be lazy and sleep in. 

The evening that Jeno and Donghyuck spent together the night prior was nothing short of magical. Jeno loves how a mundane movie night can feel so fun and special when he is with his best friend. Sometimes Donghyuck makes him feel like they are the only two people on earth, nothing else mattering in comparison. 

But he has plans, and he has to honor them. Not only that, his plans are with Jaemin, the person he is undoubtedly in love with. He could never give up a chance to spend some time with him (unless he is stressing out about academics, but that seems to be Jeno’s exception for most things in life.) 

Jeno allows himself a couple of minutes to lay in bed and snuggle Donghyuck for just a little bit longer before he forces himself to get up and get ready. By the time he makes it to his meeting spot with Jaemin, he remembers why he was so excited in the first place. 

Jaemin is already standing there, next to his bike, smiling and waving at Jeno like he couldn’t be happier to see him. All of the feelings Jeno felt for Jaemin come rushing back immediately, and he can’t believe he almost forgot them just because he was lazy and didn’t want to leave a warm bed. 

“Hey stranger,” Jaemin calls as Jeno approaches him, goofy smile encouraging Jeno to pick up his speed and go even faster, just to get to Jaemin even a second sooner.

“I hope you’re ready. It’s a little windier than I thought so it might require some extra leg power. Think you can handle it?” Jaemin taunts jokingly. 

“I’m sure you’ll be a bigger challenge for me today than this bike route, Jaem,” Jeno banters back. He’s telling the truth, but Jaemin doesn’t need to know that. 

Jeno is very strategic about his cycling. He makes sure to ride behind Jaemin at all times so that the younger boy will have to take the brunt of the wind and Jeno can ride behind leisurely, staring at his best friend’s ass. 

During most of their rides together, Jeno daydreams to take his mind off of what he is doing. While on the bike this time, Jeno imagines a future of laughter, love, romance, and chemistry. He models these daydreams after the life he is currently living with Donghyuck, though the sun-kissed boy is always replaced with Jaemin in these particular idealisms.

Jeno is so lost in his fantasy that he almost runs into Jaemin, who stops abruptly in front of him. They’ve arrived at their halfway point, a beautiful meadow to rest at before heading back to campus. 

Jaemin gets off his bike, locking it up and gesturing for Jeno to do the same. Once he’s done securing his bike, the two begin to walk around, taking in the beautiful sight in front of them. Jeno can’t help but think that Jaemin looks really pretty amongst a field of flowers. 

After a while, the two sit down on a bench, resting and drinking some water. Their ride has been a little difficult so far, but nothing either of them can’t handle. 

“This place really is beautiful, isn’t it? I think it would make a lovely date spot,” Jaemin says, initiating conversation. 

Jeno’s heart flutters wildly in his chest at the suggestion. “Don’t tell me you have dating on your mind, Jaem,” Jeno replies, voice coy and subtly hopeful. 

Jaemin looks contemplative, before turning to Jeno with a serious look on his face. “Jeno, what do you think about two close friends dating? Do you think it would be weird? Or messy?” Jaemin asks nervously. 

Jeno is shocked at the question, answering immediately, “Of course it isn’t weird. Everyone says that friends make the best lovers. Besides, you already know so much about the other person that it’s easy to transition into something more,” Jeno explains. 

His mind immediately goes to Donghyuck, though he can’t explain that to Jaemin. The two of them had been able to transition their friendship into a friends with benefits relationship with ease. If you know and love someone, everything else will come naturally, that is something he is sure of. 

“But what about the possibility of it ending? You could lose a best friend, or tear apart a friend group. It could get really messy really fast,” Jaemin says, biting his lip between his teeth. He looks so vulnerable to Jeno, and he jumps to reassure him. 

“There’s a saying that I really would like to live by,” Jeno begins, looking right at Jaemin so his words hit home. “The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward. Yeah there is a possibility that things could go wrong and you could get hurt in the end, but there is also a possibility that following your heart will end up being the best decision you ever made.” 

Jaemin breaks eye contact, looking into the field of flowers in front of him, a small smile gracing his face. “Maybe I should start following my heart more often,” he says quietly. 

Before Jeno can respond, Jaemin is standing up and walking towards their bikes. As they remove their bike locks, Jaemin asks one last question. 

“Are you going to wine night tonight? And the party at Chenle’s house tomorrow?” he asks, hopping on his bike and getting ready to leave. 

“Of course, wouldn’t miss it,” Jeno replies. “Why?”

“Just curious,” Jaemin says ominously, before pedalling away, leaving an exasperated Jeno behind in his wake.

☽

Every week, their friend group meets up on Thursdays at Mark’s apartment for a wine night because secretly, they are all middle-aged women at heart. It’s something they all look forward to, the fun of getting to be social and blow off some steam without the pressure of going out. Jeno looks forward to it every week, but especially tonight. It’s only been a couple of hours but he is already ready to see Jaemin again. 

However, Jeno was not expecting the obvious tension that he is feeling in the room. Mark and Donghyuck are deliberately not speaking to each other, and the way they refuse to even look at each other has put everyone on edge. 

Jeno wishes he knew more about their argument, only knowing a snippet of what happened that he managed to coax out of Donghyuck. Whatever it was, it’s bad enough that both are willing to hold a grudge. (To be honest, this is usually how fights between Donghyuck and Mark go. Both are much too stubborn and prideful to let the other hear an apology without some outside intervention.)

To say the vibe is awkward is an understatement, but Jeno isn’t willing to let the bad energy stop him from enjoying more time with Jaemin. 

Jisung suggests that they watch a movie, and they all agree readily. It’s probably best that they choose an activity that involves little speaking, especially when they all know that Donghyuck is quick to deliver some harsh blows when he is upset. 

Mark had ordered them pizza, and they quickly pour themselves each a glass of Pinot Noir (they are trying to expand their palette by trying many types of wine, both dry and sweet) and grab a couple of slices before heading to the living room. 

Jeno is the last one to enter the room, having spilled his glass of wine due to his own clumsiness. By the time he enters the room, there are only two options available on where to sit. 

Jisung, Chenle, and Mark are huddled next to each other on Mark’s sofa, while Renjun and Jaemin are seated on the floor in front of them. Off to the side, sitting all by himself, is Donghyuck in a loveseat. 

There is plenty of room for Jeno to join Donghyuck, and he _almost_ does. The boy looks sad and lonely by himself, his fight with Mark probably weighing down on him now that he is confronted with the boy directly again. 

However, Jeno can’t miss out on the opportunity to sit next to Jaemin. I mean, what if the younger boy wants to cuddle during the movie? Jeno doesn’t want to miss out on that. There are plenty of opportunities for Jeno to comfort his best friend, but tonight, this is probably one of his only opportunities to be close with Jaemin. 

Jeno sends Donghyuck an apologetic smile, before he settles down next to Jaemin, careful not to spill the full glass of wine in his hand. 

The caution turns out to be futile however, because halfway through the movie, Jaemin is spilling his drink all over Mark’s rug after a particularly scary jump scare. Unfortunately for Jeno, Jaemin has been on edge all throughout the movie due to it’s suspenseful nature, and is clearly too engrossed to even think about cuddling. 

Jeno doesn’t let himself get too upset, however, because it means he gets to see scaredy-cat Jaemin, a version of the boy that he finds particularly adorable. Jeno thinks he spends 70% of the movie watching the boy he is in love with instead of paying attention to the movie. 

In fact, even when Jeno isn’t focusing on Jaemin, his eyes aren’t on the screen, but instead looking over at Donghyuck. 

To put it simply, the boy looks miserable. He isn’t even watching the movie, eyes glued to his phone screen, the light illuminating a troubled expression on the boy’s face. Jeno feels guilty that he couldn’t put aside his own desires to be there for Donghyuck, especially with how much Donghyuck had helped him with his own issues this week. But deep down, he knows Donghyuck doesn’t mind. They understand each other, that much Jeno is positive of. 

By the time the movie ends, no one seems interested in sticking it out any longer. This particular wine night was kind of a bust, knowing that they can’t talk to each other without walking on eggshells. 

Jeno tries to catch Jaemin before he leaves though, just to have a quick conversation after a mostly silent night. However, Jaemin is already offering to walk Renjun home, and they leave before Jeno can get a word in other than “Goodnight.”

After that, there is clearly no reason for Jeno or Donghyuck to stay (Because the only person Jeno wanted to speak to has left, and Donghyuck won’t talk to their host) so leave quickly after. 

Donghyuck is awfully quiet on their walk home, and it makes Jeno’s eyebrows furrow in concern. His current spat with Mark must be really upsetting him, and before Jeno can ask about it, Donghyuck is already speaking. 

“Are we okay?” he asks, surprising Jeno. “Like I didn’t do anything to upset you or anything, right?” he questions seriously. 

“What?” Jeno asks, tone indicating his obvious confusion. He feels like Donghyuck’s thoughts are coming out of nowhere. “Why would you think something like that?” 

Donghyuck looks down in shame, refusing to meet Jeno’s eyes. For the first time in a long time Jeno feels like Donghyuck is trying to hide from him, despite being in plain sight. 

“It’s just-” Donghyuck begins. “You know what, it’s stupid. Forget about it,” he says, to which Jeno immediately stops him. 

“It’s not stupid,” Jeno promises, locking eyes with the younger boy in front of them. He can see the exact moment Donghyuck’s resolve dissolves. 

“There was an empty seat next to me on a really comfy chair, and instead you chose to sit on the hard floor. I thought maybe I upset you and you didn’t want to be near me...” Donghyuck admits, voice trailing off. 

Jeno immediately feels guilty. He should’ve sat next to Donghyuck, especially when he could tell how upset he was feeling. And instead of comforting him, he made the boy feel worse, by thinking that there was something wrong between the two of them. 

At this moment, Jeno has half a mind to confess to Donghyuck, to tell him all about his feelings for Jaemin. It might ease the boy’s mind a little bit, but Jeno can’t bring himself to do it. He feels like he is so close to finally getting together with Jaemin, and he doesn’t want to jinx it. But he can’t let Donghyuck continue to feel like he did anything wrong either. 

So he pulls the smaller boy into a hug, stopping them from moving despite being just a few feet from their apartment building. At the very least, he needs to let Donghyuck know that they are okay and provide him with the comfort he should’ve given him much earlier in the night. 

“Of course not! I just sat next to Jaemin because he had the package of Sour Patch Kids,” Jeno lies. “I know you are upset about how things are with Mark, but don’t be paranoid, okay? The rest of us have no drama or anything. We all love you very much and want you to be happy,” Jeno confesses, reaching up to cradle Donghyuck’s face in his hands. 

He feels the boy melt immediately, and knows then and there that he has succeeded in making the other feel better. So he interlocks their fingers together and pulls them towards their apartment. 

“Let’s go home and get some rest. Tomorrow will be better, I promise.”

☽

“I can’t believe you are finally letting me do your makeup!” Donghyuck exclaims, dusting glittery eye shadow over Jeno’s eyes. Jeno smiles at how gentle Donghyuck’s touch is, as if he is trying to be as delicate as possible when touching Jeno’s face. 

“Well I had to come to the expert, didn’t I?” Jeno replies easily. Donghyuck is amazing at makeup, it’s one of his many talents. Jeno wouldn’t trust anyone else with the task. 

Donghyuck smiles down at Jeno, and Jeno can’t help but notice how beautiful the other boy looks. Donghyuck looks good all of the time, but he really knows how to use makeup to bring out his best features. 

Jeno looks him over, his kind doe eyes, his chubby little cheeks, the slope of his nose highlighted right down the middle. But what really distracts him is the boy’s plump red lips. Before Jeno can stop himself, he is leaning in and pushing his lips against Donghyuck’s, interrupting the younger boy’s work.

Donghyuck kisses back, smiling into the kiss before pulling away. “Don’t distract me, Mr. Lee. I’m not done and if I don’t finish soon we’ll be late to the party,” he laughs. 

“If anything you’re the one distracting _me_ , standing there looking like a million dollars and expecting me not to react,” Jeno flirts back, relishing in the blush that begins to form on Donghyuck’s cheek. 

Donghyuck smacks a hand against Jeno’s chest playfully before going back to the task at hand. “Is there a reason you decided you wanted to suddenly wear makeup for the first time in your life?” he questions, confused by Jeno’s sudden request. The boy has never been interested in makeup before, despite Donghyuck’s many attempts to try looks on him before. (Jeno has a face that was practically sculpted from gods, a canvas any artist would dream to work on.)

“Tonight’s going to be a good night, Hyuckie,” Jeno responds easily. “Can’t you feel it?” he asks. 

“Feel what?” Donghyuck asks, not following Jeno’s train of thought but endeared by the boy anyway. 

Jeno looks Donghyuck dead in the eye with a smile that makes his heart melt before replying, “Love is in the air. And I want to look my best in case cupid stops by and pays a visit,” Jeno hints cheekily. Donghyuck’s heart stops. 

Love in the air? Cupid? Jeno has to be talking about him right? Because out of everyone in Jeno’s life, Donghyuck is the only one who he is in some sort of unofficial relationship with. Is Jeno going to confess to Donghyuck tonight? Is what he’s been longing for finally happening?

Things have felt different between Donghyuck and Jeno in the last week. They’ve both helped each other through insecurities, and the pain that the happenstance of life can bring. It allowed them to become more vulnerable amongst each other, letting them see each other entirely bare in a way that is so precious and so personal.

Their relationship has evolved into something deeply intimate, and terrifyingly raw over time, and it is finally coming to a head. This is the moment where they make their decision. Are they going to sink or are they going to swim?

He wonders if Jeno had an epiphany about their relationship and decided he wanted to take it to the next level, or if it’s something he has been feeling all of this time, if he has been secretly pining like Donghyuck has. Either way, Donghyuck decides to go against Mark’s advice this time. Tonight, he is getting his hopes up. 

☽

When Jeno and Donghyuck arrive at Chenle’s house, they immediately split up and find their respective best friends. Donghyuck clings onto Renjun immediately dragging him to the dance floor while Jeno meets Jaemin in the kitchen. 

“Oh my god, are you wearing makeup?” Jaemin questions, pouring himself a drink from the cheap liquor that Chenle provided. Jeno knows that Chenle keeps more expensive stuff locked away if they want any, but Jeno has never been picky when it comes to alcohol. 

“Yeah,” Jeno replies, looking down shyly, embarrassed by the attention. “Do you like it?” he ponders, biting his lip in anticipation. 

“You look hot, Jen” Jaemin smiles easily, and Jeno’s heart starts beating fast. He pours himself a double shot and downs it, hoping the liquor will cure his nerves a little bit. 

“Thanks, Jaem. Duckie did my makeup. I was kind of unsure about it, but Donghyuck did such a good job. He is really so talented, you know? Like he just watched Youtube tutorials but he is as talented as a real makeup artist. He’s so artistic and creative in general, you know?” Jeno rambles. Even in situations where Jeno is unsure of himself, the one topic that he can easily go on about is his best friend. 

Jaemin laughs in response. “I agree, but let’s not tell him that. The last thing we need is to fill his ego even more,” he jokes. Instead of laughing, Jeno frowns at the assumption, remembering earlier this week when Donghyuck confessed to him his deepest insecurities. Deep down, Donghyuck isn’t as confident as he portrays himself to be.

“Actually, he can be really unsure of himself,” Jeno explains. “I think his confidence is a little bit performative. If anything, I think he is someone who truly doesn’t understand how great he is.”

Jaemin nods sympathetically, “I’m sure you’ve probably seen him in some vulnerable moments, given that you’ve lived together for the past couple of years,” he remarks. Jeno giggles at the comment, the alcohol seemingly getting to him already. Jeno has seen Donghyuck _very vulnerable_ over the years, in more ways than one. 

“We definitely take care of each other,” Jeno giggles, feeling so sneaky having a secret Jaemin knows nothing about. That was always part of the thrill of sleeping with Donghyuck, knowing all of their friends were none the wiser. 

“I’m sure you do,” Jaemin says honestly, voice understanding and kind. “Speaking of helping friends out, I wanted to thank you for going on that bike ride with me. Our talk put a lot of things into perspective for me,” he thanks. 

The smile Jaemin is giving him makes him feel so warm inside. It’s a magnetic quality that the boy seems to have, the ability to make everyone focus on him as if he is the only thing on this earth that matters. To Jeno, he thinks that he might be. 

“I know you are the hopeless romantic Jaemin, but I know a few things about love myself,” Jeno says, totally bluffing. If you were to ask anyone (mainly Donghyuck), they would tell you that Jeno is very oblivious to most matters of love. Jaemin doesn’t need to know that. 

“You know, I have always had no problems giving people love. I always want to help everyone around me and be there for them. But our talk made me realize that it might be time to start receiving love as well,” Jaemin explains, looking incredibly soft. 

“I’m glad I could make you feel that way, Jaem. You deserve to be loved more than anyone I know,” Jeno says sincerely. And he means it wholeheartedly. Someone as loving as Jaemin deserves to receive the same love back ten-fold. 

“So do you, Jen. Seriously,” Jaemin replies, reaching out and squeezing his friend’s hand tightly. Jeno feels his heart beating so quickly he can feel it in his eardrums. He is so close to a confession he can practically taste it. 

“I think I might already have found that love,” Jeno croaks, voice going raw with feeling. Jeno is very emotional by nature, but it feels like he is about to lay his heart on the line at any moment. 

Jaemin goes to speak when a loud crash steals his attention. They look up to find Jisung in the doorway of the kitchen, having just knocked over a bottle of vodka, glass shattering and spilling everywhere. Jaemin steps in immediately, rushing over to help him clean it up. 

Jeno can’t help but feel upset that their moment was broken, but he doesn’t blame Jaemin for helping his friend. Jaemin is kind by nature, and it’s one of the many things that Jeno likes about him. 

Jeno waits patiently off to the side, not feeling the need to intervene and help clean up. There was only so much two people could do when sweeping up a broken bottle, let alone three people. He plans to continue his conversation with Jaemin after he finishes, but soon a loud cry comes from Jisung. 

A sharp cut on the finger may be no big deal to most people, but it sends Jaemin immediately into Mama Bear mode. “Jen, can you finish cleaning this up for me, I am going to take him to Chenle’s bathroom and dress his wound,” Jaemin asks. 

Disappointed, Jeno agrees, already moving to clean up the mess. Before he leaves, Jaemin turns back towards Jeno.

“Find me later, okay? I have something important I want to discuss with you,” Jaemin says and then is off, whisking away Jisung to the nearest bathroom. 

Jeno can hardly contain the grin that sweeps across his face. It’s happening. It’s finally happening. Everything has finally set into place, and by the end of the night, Jeno will hear Jaemin’s confession. 

☽

After cleaning up the mess of vodka and glass shards, Jeno ventures out into Chenle’s spacious home. Jeno stops and chats briefly with a couple of people he knows, but he leaves them shortly after he catches sight of Donghyuck. The smaller boy is sweaty from spending time on the dance floor, but he somehow manages to look so good that Jeno can’t take his eyes off of him. That’s when it suddenly hits Jeno. 

When he starts dating Jaemin, he will have to end things with Donghyuck. Obviously they’ll still be best friends and roommates (Jeno is convinced nothing could tear their friendship apart), though they’ll definitely have to stop the more intimate parts of their relationship. Not only will they no longer be able to have sex, they also will likely stop cuddling, and giving each other small little kisses. For some reason, it hurts Jeno more than he imagined. 

He really didn’t realize how much he enjoyed being with Donghyuck until faced with the opportunity to give him up. The thought breaks his heart a little, but getting to be with Jaemin after years of pining is too good of an offer to refuse. _Gotta endure the rain to see the rainbow,_ Jeno thinks. 

It doesn’t mean that Jeno won’t miss their time together. 

Jeno forgoes a greeting, and pulls Donghyuck into one of the many empty rooms Chenle has in his house. Donghyuck has a hopeful expression on his face, as if he can't believe that Jeno is so eager to get him alone. Jeno usually doesn’t allow them to hookup anywhere outside of their apartment for fear of news about the nature of their relationship getting out and causing drama. 

Donghyuck stares at his roommate expectantly, waiting for him to say something. Jeno remains quiet however, and instead pulls Donghyuck until they are pressed against each other, lips meeting as if it were second nature (at this point in their relationship, it is.)

This kiss is surprisingly soft, Jeno melting into Donghyuck immediately. It feels so perfect, so right, that Jeno doesn’t want to let go. It’s very probable that this might be the last time he gets to experience this, and he is going to relish it. He may be moving on to better things, but he still wants to remember this. Donghyuck will always be a little piece of home to him. 

Jeno pulls away reluctantly, reaching up to stroke Donghyuck’s cheek. The younger boy is looking at him with so much love, and for a moment, it all feels like too much. 

Jeno thinks back to when they shared their first kiss together freshman year. How much time has passed since then, how his feelings have evolved, the only constant in his life being Donghyuck’s eagerness to remain directly by his side. 

He feels lucky, _so damn lucky_ , that Donghyuck was willing to waste so much of his time on Jeno. On kissing Jeno, helping him through all of his hardships, cuddling him, and making him feel loved. Donghyuck prepared Jeno for loving someone in ways Jeno himself hardly understood. 

And Jeno does feel prepared. He feels ready to go out, and be with Jaemin without fear that he won’t be enough for him, that he doesn’t know how to properly love someone. And he has Donghyuck to thank for that. 

Jeno feels oddly emotional, during his unofficial, one-sided goodbye to Donghyuck. He knows that it’s stupid to feel this way, because their lives are so intertwined that they can’t be separated, even if they stop sleeping together. The loss sits heavy in his heart. 

Jeno steps forward again, presses one last kiss to Donghyuck’s mouth, and promptly leaves the room. Jeno knows that if he stays even a second longer, he won’t find the courage to ever leave. He misses the look of confusion and disappointment on Donghyuck’s face, but it’s irrelevant at this point anyway. 

In this moment, nothing will stop Jeno from finding Jaemin and finally getting the love he has been pining over for years. 

☽

Jeno looks for Jaemin everywhere, all throughout the party. He is unable to locate the boy, but he isn’t worried. Jaemin wouldn’t have left without saying something to Jeno, that much he is sure of. After looking everywhere in the open areas of Chenle’s house, he thinks to check Chenle’s bedroom. 

Their little friend group are the only people allowed in Chenle’s room during parties. He wanted them all to have a safe space to step away if they became overwhelmed for some reason. This perk was usually utilized most by Jisung, who can get anxious in large crowds, but Jaemin has been known to step away sometimes too, when he didn’t feel like interacting with people much anymore. 

Jeno confirms his suspicions when he opens Chenle’s bedroom door and finds Jaemin sitting on the bed. Except he isn’t alone. He is kissing someone, so softly and so gently that it is clear this isn’t the first time the two have been in this position. 

When the door slams behind Jeno, the couple pulls apart and Jeno finally gets a good look at the two, finally figuring out who is the man that has stolen the love of Jeno’s life from him. 

_Renjun_

Suddenly it all makes. Jaemin wondering aloud about the possibilities of best friends falling in love, the way he paid extra attention to Renjun whenever he was speaking, the way Jaemin gravitated towards him every time the seven of them hung out together. 

Jaemin had been in love with someone the entire time. And it was never Jeno. It had always been _him_. 

Renjun and Jaemin stare at him in shock, clearly not expecting to be interrupted. The same shock is mirrored on Jeno’s face, mouth agape and eyes wide. 

“Y-you,” Jeno blabbers pointing at Jaemin exasperated, and “A-and you,” he turns to Renjun. The couple looks at each other and then break into a fit of laughter. 

“Yeah. This is what I wanted to talk to you about, Jen. I did it!,” Jaemin grins wide, looking so damn happy and proud that Jeno almost feels happy for him. _Almost_. “I finally confessed to Renjun and now we’re boyfriends!”

Jeno tries to muster up an intelligible response but the only thing he can manage to spit out is a simple question. “ _When?_ ” he asks bewildered. 

It’s Renjun’s turn to grin now. “After wine night on Thursday! Jaemin walked me home and then confessed. I wasn’t expecting it, but it was perfect. You know how Nana is, very romantic and such,” he admits. 

“I’m happy for you guys,” Jeno replies. And he means it. His own heart may be breaking, but that doesn’t mean he isn't genuinely happy that his best friends have found true love in each other. 

“Thanks, Jen. It means a lot,” Jaemin replies sincerely, smiling so wide across his face it looks like he is going to explode from happiness. 

“Yes, thank you, Jeno. Now is there a reason you came in here? Because we were kind of in the middle of something,” Renjun berates, causing Jaemin to break into a fit of giggles next to him. The sight is so cute that Jeno has to look away for fear of exposing himself for the pure adoration he feels. 

Jeno instead chooses to look around the room, trying desperately to find an excuse to explain his sudden present. He then lays his eyes on the perfect answer. Chenle’s private liquor cabinet. 

“I just came here to grab a drink,” Jeno says walking over and grabbing an expensive bottle of whiskey. “Jisung spilt the entire bottle of vodka that I was drinking and I don’t feel like having anything else that was out there,” Jeno lies, already heading towards the door. 

If anything, this excuse is a godsend. Jeno wants nothing more than to drown his sorrows in alcohol, so that is exactly what he does. 

☽

The burning in Jeno’s throat from the hard liquor is a nice distraction from the cracking in his heart and he welcomes it. By the time Donghyuck finds him, Jeno is reasonably shit-faced, hugging the bottle to his chest in the middle of an empty hallway. 

“Duckie!” Jeno slurs, launching himself into his arms. “Come with me, I have an idea!” Jeno exclaims, pulling Donghyuck into yet another bedroom. This one, however, is empty and does not contain the person he is in love with kissing someone else. “Now that we’re in private, I can do this,” Jeno smirks, reaching down and attacking Donghyuck’s mouth with his own. Unlike their kiss earlier in the night, this is anything but sweet. Jeno tastes like expensive whiskey, fiery anger, and too much tongue.

Donghyuck responds hesitantly, unsure if Jeno is in the right state of mind right now, and not wanting to push him into something he would regret. He seemed kind drunk and Donghyuck makes the decision quickly to not let anything further than kissing transpire until he can confirm that Jeno is sober enough to consent. 

Jeno deepens to kiss, Donghyuck responding out of habit more than anything. They kiss for a little while, until Jeno mutters something that makes Donghyuck’s blood run cold. 

“ _Uh, Jaemin_ ,” Jeno moans, clear as day. Donghyuck pulls away as if he has been burned, looking at his best friend in shock. Jeno himself has a confused look on his face, wondering why Donghyuck abruptly stopped their makeup session when it was just getting hot. 

“I think we should go home,” Donghyuck says in response to Jeno’s obvious uncertainty, causing the older boy to light up immediately. 

“You’re right, Duckie. We shouldn’t have sex at Chenle’s house that would be super not cool. We’ll wait until we get home,” Jeno replies seriously. Instead of responding, Donghyuck drags Jeno out of the room, already ordering an uber. Neither of them are having sex tonight, but Donghyuck doesn’t explain that to him. He’s afraid if he opens his mouth, he’ll burst into tears or throw up or both. 

Donghyuck shoves Jeno into the back of the uber, shoving Jeno away everytime he gets too handsy. Jeno pouts, mumbling “prude” under his breath while Donghyuck looks straight ahead, refusing to make eye contact. 

Getting Jeno up the stairs and into their apartment is a difficult task for Donghyuck, who is barely strong enough to drag a staggering Jeno the entire way from the uber to his bedroom without dropping him. Giving what Jeno muttered while kissing him, Donghyuck has half a mind to let the boy fall over, but deep down he knows he would never do anything to hurt the boy, even if the injuries would be as small as a simple bruise.

When Donghyuck finally drops Jeno off on the boy’s bed, Jeno is immediately reaching for him. Donghyuck shoves his away harsher than he intended, and he is not expecting Jeno’s reaction at all. 

Jeno immediately bursts into tears, startling Donghyuck. In their time as friends, Donghyuck has seen Jeno cry approximately once, and that was when his cat got hit by a car. He has never cried while drunk, or when Donghyuck was short with him, and he is honestly at a loss for words. Luckily for him, Jeno explains himself right away. 

“Why does no one want me?” Jeno sobs into his hands, looking so devastatingly heartbroken, that it makes Donghyuck’s chest tighten as well. Never in his time with Jeno has he ever heard him sound so broken. 

“Jeno, you’re drunk, we can’t-” Donghyuck rushes to explain, but Jeno cuts him off, choking on his own tears in an effort to get another word out. 

“I’ve loved him for years. _Years_ Donghyuck. And after years of pining over him, I finally thought that he was going to ask me out. And then I find him making out with Renjun at the party, clearly not giving a shit about me,” Jeno cries. Donghyuck understands immediately who the miserable boy in front of him is talking about.

“You love Jaemin?” Donghyuck replies softly, voice barely above a whisper. He feels completely drained, physically and emotionally, and he doesn’t know how much more of Jeno’s confession he can hear. 

“Donghyuck, you idiot, _duh_. I’ve been in love with Jaemin for years. But it doesn’t matter because he smashed my heart into a million fucking pieces. You don’t know how much it hurts,” he hiccups. “You have no idea the pain it feels watching your best friend that you’re in love with choose someone else over you.”

Donghyuck can’t speak, because if he did, he would confess to Jeno that he knows exactly how it feels. He knows more intimately than anyone what it’s like to devote yourself to someone who doesn’t want you. Jeno continues on his tirade. 

“No one loves me. You thought you were unlovable, well look at me. I’m completely alone here and nobody cares,” Jeno breaks himself off as another round of tears release themselves down his face. 

“I’m here,” Donghyuck says softly, reaching forward to try to comfort Jeno. Despite how heartbroken Donghyuck feels, he can’t leave Jeno like this. It would somehow break Donghyuck even more. 

“I don’t want you,” Jeno spits in anger. “I want Jaemin! I wish he were here with me instead of you, I wish it was him who would make out with me and cuddle with me instead of you,” Jeno rants, each word pressing the knife into Donghyuck’s chest deeper and deeper. 

Donghyuck knows the best thing to do right now is to get Jeno to sleep so that he stops making both of them cry. He reaches out, pulling a blanket on top of Jeno and wiping the tears from his eyes gently. The gesture is enough to soothe Jeno enough to stop crying. After a couple more minutes of Donghyuck’s gentle stroking, he passes out. Donghyuck can’t get out of the room fast enough. 

The second he turns out the lights and closes Jeno’s door is the second Donghyuck allows himself to finally start crying. It’s not a small sniffle either, this is a desperate, ugly cry that begins from his core and overtakes his entire body. 

Above everything, he feels used. He feels like a placeholder for Jeno before he could finally be with Jaemin, and hearing him moan his name while they were kissing confirmed to Donghyuck that Jeno never cared. Every special moment together, Jeno was probably thinking of Jaemin instead of being present in the moment. Donghyuck was just a distraction.

Donghyuck also feels ashamed. He feels so so so stupid for believing that things with Jeno could work out, that it wouldn’t turn into something ugly that would make Donghyuck resent everything. He is so angry at Jeno, at the world, at Jaemin, but most of all himself. He never should have let it get this far.

He thinks back to the conversation he had with Mark earlier in the week and realizes they were both right. Jeno was in fact in love with his best friend. However, that best friend was not Donghyuck. 

☽

Jeno wakes up to a splitting headache, tylenol and water on his nightstand, and Donghyuck nowhere in sight. It takes a second, but the events from the previous night come back to him like a highlight reel of his worst nightmare come to life. 

He feels so sorry for himself that he can’t bring himself to think about anything other than his own feelings. Jaemin is in love with someone else, Donghyuck isn’t in the apartment to offer him comfort, and feels lonelier than he has maybe ever. It’s not a nice feeling. 

He texts Donghyuck asking him where he is and when he will come back. Jeno could use a distraction right now, and no one in his life can provide it like Donghyuck. He feels sorry for his best friend, knowing that he probably had to take care of him last night after he got blackout drunk, but if Donghyuck knew the emotional turmoil he was under he would likely understand. 

Hours pass without a response, and Jeno starts to get worried. Donghyuck never takes longer than an hour to respond to Jeno’s messages, and soon his thoughts become consumed with worry for his best friend. 

Jeno tries calling, and each time it’s sent to voicemail. Another red flag. Donghyuck always answers Jeno’s calls, usually on the first or second ring too. 

Not only is Jeno worried, he is feeling kind of empty. He hasn’t gone a day without talking to Donghyuck in years, and he hates to admit it but he is already missing the boy. Not having him by his side is ache comparable to losing a limb and Jeno just wants him back. Especially now that he is feeling so heartbroken. 

Jeno finally has enough once nightfall hits and it’s become dark outside. He has no choice but to go out and look for Donghyuck, unable to put his mind at ease until he lays eyes on the smaller boy. He’s spent the last hour staring pathetically at their front door like a dog waiting for it’s owner to come home. Jeno can’t help it, something inside of him is itching to see Donghyuck. 

Jeno is lacing up his shoelaces when his phone lights up with a notification. His entire body sags in relief when he sees it’s from Donghyuck. His temporary happiness dissipates quickly when he reads the message. 

**Duckie :) :**  
**Staying with Renjun. Won’t be back tonight.**

Jeno’s face morphs into a pout immediately, kicking off his shoes and heading towards his bed. He’s a little annoyed, Renjun has already stolen the love of his life from him, and now he wants his best friend too? It’s still relatively early (especially given that he slept till 2pm) but he doesn’t really see a point in staying awake any longer. At least maybe when he wakes up Donghyuck will be there. 

☽

Instead of going home the next morning, Donghyuck goes to see Mark. When Mark answers the door to his apartment, he sees the frown on his friend’s face and immediately knows something is up. Without saying a word, he pulls him inside. 

“Tell me what’s wrong,” Mark finally speaks up minutes later, placing a piping hot cup of tea in front of Donghyuck, taking a sip from his own mug. Donghyuck hesitates, not wanting to admit to Mark that he was right all along. 

“You were right. Jeno doesn’t want me, he wants Jaemin. But now Jaemin and Renjun are dating and it’s a big fucking mess, and I haven’t talked to Jeno since Saturday night when he moaned Jaemin’s name while kissing me,” Donghyuck explains. 

Instead of replying, Mark stares at Donghyuck with wide eyes, clearly shocked at all of the bombs that the boy had just dropped on him. Donghyuck takes this as an opportunity to speak up once again. 

“Go ahead and say it, I know you’re dying to. _I told you so, Donghyuck. I was right and you were wrong_ ,” Donghyuck scoffs, fiddling with the mug in his hands. 

Mark reaches over, grasping Donghyuck’s right hand tightly. “Of course I’m not thinking that. I am not thinking that at all. I take no pleasure in your misery, Donghyuck, I care about you a lot,” he says sincerely, rubbing the boy's knuckles between his thumb and index finger. 

“What am I going to do with this mess?” Donghyuck cries, eyes welling with tears. So much has happened that Donghyuck doesn’t know how he could possibly look Jeno in the eye when he eventually makes it home. 

“Donghyuck, do you really think you can continue sleeping with Jeno knowing he is in love with someone else?” Mark questions. It’s a simple question, and Donghyuck knows that Mark already knows the answer. He hesitates to reply anyway.

Donghyuck sighs deeply, running a hand through his hair. “No, I don’t think I can. But it’s hard. I love him, Mark, I don’t know how I could possibly say no to him. I just want him to be happy,” he confesses.

“But what about you, Donghyuck? Don’t you deserve to be happy? Don’t you deserve to find someone who genuinely loves you and cares for you instead of dedicating yourself to someone who can’t give you what you need?” Mark pushes, not to be harsh, but to get Donghyuck to understand what Mark means, instead of inferring the wrong thing and starting another fight. 

Donghyuck thinks for a second, genuinely questioning what Mark was saying. _Does he deserve to be happy?_ The fact that he even has to consider the question is genuinely concerning. Had he really lost himself so much that he can no longer see his self worth. Even so, he knows what he has to do. 

“You’re right,” he finally admits, Mark giving him a reassuring smile as he continues to talk. “I need to end things with Jeno. I really wish things didn’t have to be this way, but it’s for the best. I don’t deserve someone who is only using me as a placeholder for when someone better comes along.”

Mark reaches over and pulls Donghyuck in for a hug. “For what it’s worth, I think it will be hard to find someone better than you, Hyuckie. Jeno’s an idiot for not realizing what was right in front of him,” Mark says as he strokes Donghyuck’s back. 

“Stop it,” Donghyuck groans, not used to Mark saying such nice things to him. They have a Tom and Jerry type relationship sometimes, and their relationship is built off of teasing each other more than it is complimenting each other. It’s nice to know that Mark truly cares though, especially when Donghyuck is feeling particularly jaded by the people in his life at the moment. 

“I’m being serious,” Mark says, pulling away to look Donghyuck in the eyes, to really get his point across. “I also want to apologize for being so harsh to you earlier in the week,” Mark confesses. “You really are like a little brother to me, and I feel bad that I made you feel like you were less than.”

Donghyuck is shocked to hear actual remorse from Mark. While he loves the older boy, he knows his hyung can be quite stubborn and rarely apologizes unless absolutely necessary. The fact that he is willing to say he is sorry despite Donghyuck already forgiving him means a lot to him. 

Donghyuck thanks Mark the best way he knows how, by smothering him in affection. However, this also happens to be the one thing that drives Mark crazy (which makes it extra fun for Donghyuck.) 

Donghyuck wishes that he could stay longer, and could avoid the inevitable conversation that he knows he has to have with Jeno when he gets home. However, Mark has plans soon, and Donghyuck doesn’t want to overstay his welcome. 

He leaves Mark’s apartment with words of encouragement, and a little more confidence than he had before he sought out his friend. He imagines it will hurt like hell, ending things with Jeno, but he feels ready. For once, Donghyuck is going to do what is best for himself. 

☽

Donghyuck has barely made it through the door, taking off his shoes and jacket, when he feels a warm body press against him, lips attaching themselves to his neck. Donghyuck freezes immediately. 

“Donghyuck,” Jeno whines into his ear, pressing himself impossibly closer. “Missed you. Need you, Duckie-” he says, cutting himself off to nibble at the smaller boy’s ear. 

Donghyuck, unsure of how to handle the situation (he has quite literally _never_ rejected Jeno before), utters a meek, “Stop,” that is barely audible. 

“Mmmm?” Jeno mumbles, tongue darting to lick a strip up Donghyuck’s neck. It’s taking every inch of willpower in Donghyuck’s body to put a stop to this, to end things once and for all instead of giving into the temptation that is Jeno’s skillful tongue. It isn’t until Jeno lets out a little whine, one so similar to the one he made the other night when Jeno moaned Jaemin’s name while kissing him, that he snaps. 

“Jeno, Stop it!” Donghyuck commands, and it comes off harsher than he intended. Jeno pulls away right away in shock, face falling as he steps away quickly, completely detaching himself from his younger lover. Donghyuck has never rejected Jeno before, nor has he spoken to him so harshly. It’s like a slap in the face, and Jeno doesn’t know how to react or what to say. 

“We need to talk,” Donghyuck says softly, refusing to meet Jeno’s eyes. If he does, he might do something stupid like fall into his arms and forget about all of the stuff he had discussed with Mark earlier. 

Jeno nods dumbly, walking towards their beaten-up couch, and waiting for Donghyuck to follow. The two sit in silence for a couple moments while Donghyuck tries to think of what to say. He doesn’t know the best way to approach the subject so he decides to just rip the band-aid. 

“Jeno, I think we should stop sleeping together,” Donghyuck admits, unable to look his best friend in the eyes. He’s worried that his facial expression will give it away, how much he is currently hurting inside.

Jeno tries to keep his face neutral, but he is sure that the pain is obvious on his face. Not only that, he is starting to feel anxious. He already lost Jaemin this weekend, and it feels like he is about to lose Donghyuck too. 

“Wh-what?” Jeno asks voice small, and riddled with hurt, though he tries to conceal it (his attempts are futile with Donghyuck, who knows him better than anyone.) “W-why?”

Donghyuck takes a deep breath, and tries to compose himself. This is even harder than he thought it would be, especially when Jeno is obviously blindsided by the news. He pushes on. 

“Do you remember the party? After you got blackout drunk, do you remember finding me and getting home?” Donghyuck questions. At first he thought he would be vague, but he’s changed his mind. He’s going to be fully transparent from here on out. 

Jeno looks alarmed at the question. He thinks it over, and is not shocked to conclude that he does not in fact remember what happened. “N-no,” Jeno shakes his head. “Did something happen? Because if I did something or crossed a line or something I am _so_ sorry-” Jeno rambles, ready to apologize profusely for whatever kind of hell he may have put his best friend through in his emotional state. 

Donghyuck shakes his head gently, reaching out and grabbing Jeno’s hands. Despite everything, Donghyuck’s instinct is still to take care of Jeno. He may not be the biggest fan of the boy right now, but he isn’t about to let him work himself into a panic attack. 

“You kissed me,” Donghyuck begins again, capturing Jeno’s attention. “And then you moaned Jaemin’s name and told me that you wished I was him instead.”

Jeno gulps, unsure of how to respond. Donghyuck’s words are not surprising, and he is sure that he said exactly what he was thinking in his drunken, heartbroken state. 

“I know that we aren’t dating or anything,” Donghyuck continues, “And I don’t expect you to have feelings for me. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt to hear you pretend that I was someone else while kissing me,” Donghyuck admits. 

Jeno can see the hurt on Donghyuck’s face, and immediately feels like a jackass. In all honesty, he has never pretended that Donghyuck was anyone else in all of the times they’ve been together. He doesn’t need to, not when he likes Donghyuck so much already. He’s about to tell him as much, but Donghyuck keeps speaking. 

“If I am being honest, Jeno, you made me feel used. And I never would have expected to feel that way because of you. And while I love you, and will continue to be your best friend no matter, I no longer trust you with this part of myself,” Donghyuck finishes. Getting all of this off of his chest is a relief, no matter how much it hurts. Because deep down, he knows it had to be done. 

Jeno doesn’t respond right away, refusing to meet Donghyuck’s eyes. He can not put into words the shame he feels at having made Donghyuck feel this way. Donghyuck who has done nothing but good to him and helped him with all of his issues. 

“I understand,” he responds curtly, voice thick with tears both of them refuse to acknowledge. “And for what it’s worth, I would have never wanted to spend all of that time together with anyone else,” Jeno responds honestly. “I’ve always been glad it was you.”

Hearing the pain in Jeno’s voice is enough to make Donghyuck’s eyes burn with tears of his own. But he can’t backtrack now. While Jeno may be honest with his statements (and he is, Donghyuck can tell) that doesn’t mean he loves him. And Donghyuck can’t do this anymore if Jeno doesn’t love him. 

“Thank you for understanding,” Donghyuck responds curtly. “And I don’t regret it either, our time together. I hope that we can move on from this, and not let it affect our relationship as friends.”

Jeno shakes his head in agreement so frantically he feels like a bobble head. “‘Course not, Hyuck. You’re one of the most important people in my life, and I don’t want anything to change that.” 

After that, the conversation is essentially over, and Donghyuck announces the homework he has to do, having neglected his academics all weekend. He gives Jeno an awkward hug (both of them unsure how much affection is allowed given how their dynamic has changed) and heads to his room, closing the door. 

It isn’t until then that Jeno allows himself to truly cry, grabbing a decorative pillow from the couch to silence him while he sobs. He feels so heartbroken, over the potential love he lost with Jaemin, as well as the end of the intimate relationship he had shared with Donghyuck. He feels like he is mourning the loss of something so great that he doesn’t know how to function without it. 

Not only that, he is scared. He had gotten so used to being around Donghyuck’s presence that he never once thought about the possibility of their dynamic changing. What happens if Jeno has a panic attack and Donghyuck is away? Will he still rush over to Jeno and help him calm down. What if he feels stressed about classes and needs a distraction. Surely Donghyuck can’t take his mind off of things the way he had for the past year and a half. 

For the first time in a really long time, he feels alone. He doesn’t know how he is going to conquer his problems alone, without the support he has relied on. It’s in this moment that Jeno decides for real, that the time is now. He needs help. 

☽

“-Yeah so that’s basically everything that has happened in the last week or so,” Jeno finishes, staring down at his hands. It’s much better than having to look at the blank white walls that surround him, or the counselor that Jeno just poured his heart out to. 

Talking about his feelings was easier than expected, and he sort of word-vomited everything out without much thought. Now that it’s his counselor’s time to talk, however, he starts to feel a little nervous. 

“You said you felt comfort in him when you felt anxious, right? Can you elaborate on that?” Dr. Kim asks kindly, and Jeno can’t explain it, but he already feels comfortable around the man. 

“Jaemin has always helped me-” Jeno begins before Doyoung stops him, a confused look on his face. 

“I was actually talking about Donghyuck, Jeno. You talked about him a lot when you were discussing how you were managing your anxiety. Do you think that Jaemin helps you more, though?” he questions. 

Jeno blinks, once, and then twice. Once he is confronted with the question, he really begins to realize how much Donghyuck has helped him over the years. Not that Jaemin hasn’t been there for him, but really no one has done more than him than Donghyuck. 

“I guess you’re right. Donghyuck does a million things to help me. I can’t even name them all. He talks me through panic attacks, distracts me when I am stressing out over nothing, he even gave me a weighted blanket that was like, really expensive. I guess I am too blinded by my love for Jaemin that I might not notice those around me,” Jeno chuckles awkwardly, slightly ashamed of how ungrateful he sounds for all of the help he has gotten. 

“Yes, Jaemin. The boy you’re in love with. You said you feel lonely lately. Have you seen Jaemin since you found out that he is seeing someone else?” Dr. Kim questions. 

The reminder of Jaemin and Renjun’s relationship still stings a little, but Jeno answers diligently. “Only in group settings. And if I’m being honest, I’ve kind of been avoiding both him and Renjun, his uh boyfriend, and talking to our other friends when we are together.”

Dr. Kim nods, writing something down in his notepad. “I see. Are you used to seeing Jaemin more often? One on one perhaps?”

Jeno thinks it over, and concludes that, no not really. “I mean, it isn’t strange for us to go this long without hanging out one on one. We usually hang out a few times a week with our friend group, and see each other just the two of us once every week or two. It’s probably why he hasn’t noticed that anything is wrong with me. That and he is too distracted with Renjun to notice anything else,” he finishes bitterly. 

“I see. If you aren’t seeing him as often, why do you think you feel lonely?” Dr. Kim asks. It’s kind of tiring for an introvert like Jeno, always having a question to answer. But he already feels better, just by one session of talking through some things. 

“I guess that probably has to be because I am seeing Donghyuck less often than I was before. I mean, we still hang out all the time, and we live together, so it’s not like we aren’t seeing each other. But we aren’t having sex anymore. And I am starting to miss the non-sexual intimacy. Like cuddling, or making out, or even just lying in bed together. I liked sleeping beside him at night, and talking about everything and anything before we fell asleep,” Jeno replies. 

If Jeno is being honest with himself, he has felt the longing rather intensely. Whenever he is in the same room as Donghyuck, his brain begs for him to touch, to hold. It aches having to deny himself, but he wouldn’t want to make his best friend uncomfortable. 

“Well Jeno, it seems we are unfortunately running out of time. Are you interested in booking another session with me?” Dr. Kim questions. 

Jeno agrees almost immediately. They had barely even reached the surface of Jeno’s issues, and yet he already feels a little better. Like the air he is breathing is lighter and doesn’t sit as heavy in his chest as it once did. 

“Very well. You can talk with the secretary in the lobby about scheduling. And before we leave I want to give you a little homework, alright?” Dr. Kim explains. 

“First, I want you to meet up with Jaemin. I am not saying you need to confess or anything, but I can tell you have a lot of negative emotions built up right now. I think it would be very beneficial for you to try to find closure,” he explains. 

The thought is kind of nerve-wracking for Jeno, but he has to admit that Dr. Kim has a point. Plus he trusts the older man, even if this is their first time meeting. 

“Lastly. I want you to evaluate your relationship with Donghyuck. What does Donghyuck really mean to you? I think you may be undervaluing everything that he has done for you, and you’re feeling conflicted over that,” Dr. Kim finishes, abruptly ending their session. 

Jeno finishes up the logistical aspects of their meeting, and leaves Dr. Kim’s office feeling emotionally cathartic. They discussed a lot during their first session but one thing remains constant in Jeno’s mind, even hours after his appointment. 

_What does Donghyuck really mean to you?_

☽

Jeno waits outside of Shake Shack feeling relatively nervous. It’s the first time he is hanging out with Jaemin one-on-one since Jeno got his heart broken from news of his best friend’s relationship. 

They are just meeting up for a quick lunch before either of them have to attend afternoon classes, so there isn’t too much pressure on Jeno. At the very least, if things feel awkward, he doesn’t have to stay for long, his looming class a perfect excuse to get out of there. 

When Jaemin finally arrives, Jeno is surprised to realize that the sight of him doesn’t hurt nearly as much as he thought it would. He was expecting a sharp knife digging deeper and deeper into his chest, however, what he is feeling is nothing more than a little pinch. 

They exchange pleasantries before they order their food. They receive their meal relatively quickly, and dig in. Now is time for the part that is more difficult for Jeno. The making of conversation beyond small talk. Luckily for him, Jaemin doesn’t seem to notice the tension at all, and continues on as normal. 

“I was thinking, it’s time we teach Jisung how to ride a bike,” Jaemin says out of the blue. “He is practically my son, and it’s ridiculous that he still rides a tricycle. A fucking _tricycle_ , Jeno. I feel like I have failed him,” he rants. 

“That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen,” Jeno laughs along. “Why do I have to be a part of that trainwreck. Jisung isn’t _my_ pseudo-son,” he banters back. Talking with Jaemin is honestly just as easy as it had been, and Jeno is thankful for that. 

“Because you are my cycling partner and crime. You can’t abandon me now when I need you most!” Jaemin whines indignantly. “Besides, there needs to be someone there who can give him directions while I focus on holding him upright and making sure he doesn’t fall.”

Jeno can picture the mental image of Jaemin refusing to let go of Jisung as he tries to pedal on a 2-wheel bike, unable to get anywhere due to the extra weight holding on to him. Despite everything, he loves his friend group. It feels like a little family he has found and cultivated, and despite the negativity that has surrounded him the past week or so, he is not willing to give them up for anything. 

“We’re gonna need to get him a helmet. And it’s going to have to be a big one too if we want it to fit his big head,” Jeno responds, finally agreeing to the preposition, no matter how ridiculous the occasion will be. 

They eat in silence for a little bit, before a notification from Jaemin’s phone captures both of their attention. Jaemin’s face lights up so easily, that Jeno doesn’t even have to ask who it’s from. Frankly, it’s obvious. 

“Jaemin, can I ask you something?” Jeno says quietly, voice suddenly small. He doesn’t know where he wants to take this conversation, but he hopes at the very least, he can find some closure. 

Jaemin puts his phone down immediately, turning his full attention towards Jeno, gesturing for him to continue. Jeno takes a deep breath and asks the question he’s had on his mind for a while. 

“What is it about Renjun that made you fall for him?” he asks. “I mean, when did you realize you liked him as more than just a friend?” Jaemin doesn’t look at all surprised by the question, and instead moves to answer it easily. 

“You know, at first I didn’t realize I had feelings for Renjun at all. What I initially felt for him was lust. I thought he was really, really hot, and I was thankful for our friendship, but it was nothing more than that. Not at first,” Jaemin begins. Jeno nods along, listening attentively, waiting to hear about that missing puzzle piece. Whatever Renjun has that Jeno doesn’t. 

“To be honest, I didn’t think anything about my feelings for Renjun. I mean, I’ve slept with plenty of friends before, it’s not like I found it weird to be attracted to one of my friends, you know? But then I realized that what I felt for Renjun was different from what I felt for other people I was attracted to,” Jaemin explains. 

It makes sense, and Jeno is following along as best as he can. He is handling it well, but he is worried that Jaemin is going to tell something that will shatter him. At the very least, he hopes the pain will provide him some closure. 

“What I felt for Renjun was so much more than lust and so much more than friendship. I didn’t care about sex, I cared about hearing about his aspirations in life, and holding him when he was upset, and taking care of him when he was sick. It somehow felt more intimate than sex,” Jaemin describes. 

When he explains it, Jeno isn’t thinking about the future he never had with Jaemin. Instead, he thinks of the times in his own life when he has felt such things in present time. He understands the nuances of raw interactions of people, and realizes a second later that he has never felt anything that Jaemin is describing for the boy in question. 

“I asked myself a lot of questions over time. Questions anyone should be able to answer about the person they love. Who do you call when you get good news, before telling anyone else? ( _Donghyuck, Jeno answers in his head._ ) If you were having a bad mental health day, who would you trust to come help you through it? ( _Again for Jeno, the answer is Donghyuck, something he knows from experience._ ) Who would bail you out of jail no questions asked? ( _This time Jeno doesn’t think of Donghyuck, because he would probably be the reason Jeno is in jail in the first place._ )” 

“And more than anything, I thought to myself, who is the one person on this earth I don’t think I can live without? Who helps me through the bad days, and who makes the good days even better. And once I thought about all of this, it really was a no-brainer,” Jaemin concludes. 

And wow, Jeno finally gets it. It really is a no-brainer. 

“You know I totally understand what you’re saying,” Jeno finally responds, after taking a moment to gather his thoughts. “Because I was definitely in lust with you for a long time. But when you ask those questions, you don’t come to my mind at all. I love you as a friend, but you’re not… my person,” Jeno admits. Jaemin, to his surprise, does not look at all surprised by the revelation. 

“Of course I knew that, Jeno. I can feel you staring directly at my ass everytime we go on a bike ride together,” Jaemin deadpans. 

The revelation leaves Jeno flabbergasted. This entire time, he had thought he was being subtle, and his cheeks flame red with the knowledge that he was completely obvious the entire time. 

“Don’t be embarrassed, Jen!” Jaemin laughs. “You’re sexy, I’m honestly very flattered. But like you said, I am not your person. Your person is out there though, and they are going to be so lucky to have you,” Jaemin responds sincerely, and Jeno knows he means every word. 

His chest feels heavy, but not with anger, or grief, or sadness. It’s lighter than that, a feeling of hope bubbling through his chest again, stronger than before. It feels like closure. 

Jeno is ambitious, he set off on this lunch date to finally connect with Jaemin again and sort out his feelings for the boy, as Dr. Kim instructed. However, he was not expecting to complete the other half of his homework. 

Jeno knows exactly what Donghyuck means to him now. 

☽

When Jeno gets home at the end of the day, he finds Donghyuck on their couch, watching Tangled, much to no one’s surprise. Instead of saying anything, Jeno just walks quietly overly to the couch and sits next to Donghyuck, whose eyes don’t leave the TV. (He does however shift some of his blanket over to Jeno, acknowledging his presence despite not saying anything.)

Nothing is out of the ordinary until _I See the Light_ comes on. It feels like such an ironic twist of fate to be listening to this song after all of the realizations he’s had this afternoon that he can’t help but laugh. This captures Donghyuck’s attention. 

“What’s so funny?” Donghyuck asks, looking over at him with a furrowed brow. They’ve watched this film together a thousand times and Jeno has never had such a reaction to this particular scene. 

“It’s so cliché, but after meeting with Jaemin today, I think I’ve finally seen the light,” Jeno laughs, unsure of how far he should take this conversation. 

At the mention of Jaemin, Donghyuck’s face turns sour. He turns off the TV and moves to get up, muttering “If you’re going to go after Jaemin, you better know that you’re going to break Injun’s heart,” he responds. He makes to leave, but Jeno reaches out a hand to stop him. 

“Can we talk?” Jeno pleads, looking at Donghyuck with puppy dog eyes. “Please?” And because he loves him, and can’t say no to him, Donghyuck sits back down. 

“I want to start off by apologizing to you. For making you feel used in our relationship and not ever showing you how much I value you as a person, a friend, and a lover. I didn’t ever think to thank you enough for all you’ve done for me because it is such a constant in my life. And I’m so sorry for that,” Jeno admits honestly. 

Donghyuck stares at him dumbfounded, unable to form into words how he is properly feeling. In some ways, Jeno is telling him exactly what he wants to hear, and validating him. But it also feels like this confession is coming out of nowhere. 

“What does this have to do with your meeting with Jaemin?” Donghyuck questions, confused by this entire conversation (and scared at how it might proceed. Donghyuck isn’t exactly thrilled at the idea of potentially listening to Jeno waxing poetry about Jaemin again.)

“Jaemin talked to me about Renjun and how he loves him. And it made me realize that I was never in love with Jaemin at all. In fact, I think I was so miserable and anxious all of the time that I clung on to the idea of dating Jaemin as a coping mechanism. I was dreaming of this fantasy life all of the time because I didn’t want to deal with my own life, and acknowledge how hard it had gotten,” Jeno admits. And Donghyuck understands, it makes perfect sense really. 

“But it wasn’t love, because everything I felt for Jaemin was based on a fantasy that wasn’t even real. The relationship with Jaemin didn’t exist, and by focusing on it so much, I was unable to see what was right in front me,” Jeno explains. 

“And what was right in front of you?” Donghyuck asks hesitantly. All he wanted to do tonight was chill out and watch Tangled, and now he is being confronted with a very heavy conversation that he wasn’t sure he was ready for.

“Reality. With you. Because I was so lost in the dream that was Jaemin, I didn’t realize how amazing my life had become with you. And it was so much better than anything I could have manufactured in my brain. Because it was real. And...well… because it was with you,” Jeno finishes honestly. 

“I-I don’t understand,” Donghyuck stutters, still so scared. He is so scared that he is going to get his heart broken again, when it is so fragile already. “I thought, I thought you loved Jaemin?” he questions. 

Jeno moves closer, reaching out for Donghyuck’s hand and latching onto him. The look on his face holds so much sincerity that it makes Donghyuck’s breath hitch. No matter how much he wants to, Donghyuck can’t look away. 

“I thought I did too. But I don’t and I never did. It was all stupid, and I am the dumbest person in the world for focusing on him for so long when deep down, it was you who I was in love with the entire time,” Jeno finally admits. 

It’s a strange feeling. Like a bomb has been dropped while simultaneously a weight is being lifted off of his shoulders. Like he is a snake shedding his skin, hoping to move on to a bigger, stronger, healthier life. 

“Me?” is all Donghyuck can breathe out, mentally unwilling to comprehend what Jeno is saying out of sheer self preservation. 

“Yes you. Remember a couple of weeks ago when we were in this exact same position? We were watching Tangled and sitting on this couch, exactly like today, only that time you were worried that you were unlovable? Well I am here to tell you that it certainly is not the case, because I realized today that I think I love more than I have ever loved anything else in my life. And if you forgive me for being such an idiot this entire time, I will spend the rest of my life proving to you just how much you mean to me,” Jeno finishes. Donghyuck launches himself at him in response. 

For the first time in over a week, Jeno is finally kissing Donghyuck again, and is finally holding him the way like he so dearly missed. Now that Jeno has the smaller boy in his arms again, he can’t believe he ever almost let him go. It feels like he needs Donghyuck like humans need oxygen, and plants need sunlight, and he realizes that Jaemin was right all along. 

Jeno can’t live without his one true love. 

“I thought this wasn’t real, I thought I made it all up in my head,” Donghyuck admits, pulling away from Jeno. “I’ve been in love with you for so long that now that you’re saying you love me too, it feels like a dream.”

Jeno pulls Donghyuck against his chest, squeezing him tight. “It’s always been real,” he murmurs into his ear. “Nothing has ever felt more real in my life. And I want to do this with you, for real this time. I want you to be my boyfriend, Hyuckie. If you’ll have me,” Jeno confesses. 

He suddenly feels nervous again, wondering if he fucked things up so irreparably that Donghyuck won’t want to date him despite his feelings being reciprocated. His feelings are proven unfounded, however, when Donghyuck leans forward for another kiss. 

“Of course I’ll be your boyfriend, silly,” Donghyuck mumbles against his lips, making Jeno’s entire body tingle with love and warmth, and happiness. 

Things might not be perfect between them, but they’re certainly real. And more importantly, it’s better than anything Jeno could have possibly come up with in his own head. 

☽

Teaching Jisung how to ride a bike was a very stressful event that required all hands on deck. Not only were Jeno and Jaemin, the resident cycling experts, needed for the job, they brought their significant others along as well to provide moral support. That led to Mark inviting himself, not wanting to miss out on the chaos, and Chenle tagging along too because why not? It truly became a family affair. 

Things started off promising, before Jaemin abandoned them to go cuddle with Renjun under a tree (“It’s almost a picnic! Isn’t that romantic, Junnie?” Jaemin crones, peppering kissed all over Renjun’s face.) Jeno manages to help Jisung for a little bit longer, but leaves soon after when he spots Donghyuck practically glowing under the sun. He is so overwhelmed with the need to kiss Donghyuck that he forgets all about Jisung. It seems like a lost cause anyway. 

In the end, it’s Mark who ends up teaching Jisung how to ride a bike, aided by the screaming and encouragement of Chenle. The youngest boy rides proudly (and cautiously) around them while they all cheer, jumping to their feet and clapping for their best friend. 

“See?” Donghyuck grins up at him, blinding Jeno with the veracity of his beauty. “Isn’t reality pretty great?” Jeno responds easily, not even having to think about it.

“It’s everything I ever wanted and more.”

**Author's Note:**

> hi everyone!! i originally wanted to post this story about a month ago, but i hated it so i gave up. after coming back to it a few weeks later, i was able to salvage it into this story. i hope you all enjoy!!!
> 
> this was actually my first story idea EVER and i finally got around to writing it lmao.
> 
> please leave any comments, criticisms, questions, favorite parts of the story etc. i would love to hear any and all feedback!
> 
> if you would like to reach me further, my twitter and curious cat are linked below. until next time, xoxo. 
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/lefargenjeno)
> 
> [my cc](https://curiouscat.me/lefargen)
> 
> p.s. stream ridin' and support the dreamies!!!!


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